Collateral Damage

Monday, March 30th, 2009

When I turned the corner into 2009 I had this fantasy running around in my head that this would finally be my “banner year” and that great things were destined to happen just because I willed it to. I seriously thought that if I was earnest enough, my life would suddenly be inundated with so much happiness and abundance that I would need a shovel and wheelbarrow to scoop up the fistfuls of money and gifts that the universe would bestow up me. The truth is, the essence of what I have been trying to achieve has actually started to come true. Things are slowly happening for me. My life has a different horizon now and I stand at a different reference point from which I make decisions. This change is not being taken for granted and I feel incredibly lucky right now.

However, the transition from having a complacent life to being drawn towards the light of day has been a bit rough. Nearly three months into the new year there have been two deaths, a birth of a baby (not mine), a birth of a different kind of baby (my writing career), a decidedly marginal amount of fame, turning the big 3-5, a parenting crisis, travel, a look into the future, my first brush with flirting in a long time, a struggle with depression and lastly the discovery of a good pastrami sandwich (which is a milestone).

One thing that I didn’t anticipate (or just forgot) was that when you open your heart up to feeling great passion and happiness and goodness, it also means you’re opening your heart to the whole gamut of other feelings that are out there like heartbreak, sadness, regret. Basically when you expose yourself to feeling anything, you do just that – you feel everything. For better or for worse, it’s been a bit of a shock to my system and there are definitely days that make me feel as though I should crawl back into that box of mine.

Looking back, when I wasn’t happy (but not admitting it), it was completely obvious.  It’s clear that my weight has been (is) a barometer of my happiness over the years. I used to think that I was self assured when I was thinner, but now I think it was the opposite. I was thin because I was self assured. When I don’t deal with the things that are hard in my life, it manifests itself in weight gain. I store all my emotions in the cushions of fat that have  insulated  me from feeling anything too deeply. I have decidedly made the weight the source of my issues … because that’s more tangible than dealing with issues about me.

Over the last couple of weeks, my weight has been hovering around 180, with moments that are above and below that number. This morning? 179. I worked out for the first time in nearly two weeks yesterday and I’ve got to say that was a challenge. It’s hard to take care of myself at a time when sleeping feels like my only objective in life.

But the universe works in mysterious ways. In the thick of grieving and feeling like I don’t have the personal resolve to keep going with this weight loss endeavor, I received an email from a rep for General Mills (GM) telling me about the Pound for Pound Challenge. (Basically, for every pound you lose, GM will donate 10 cents to Feeding America). And for whatever reason, this email was the exact kick in the pants that I needed to start getting back on track. It made me realize that things are not that bad for me. There are people who are truly struggling out there. I am okay. I can do this. Even if it does take a long time.

P.S. So while there’s only a month left or so left to go and 10 cents really doesn’t sound like that much money, there are over 2.7 million pounds that have been pledged so far. In these economic times, $270,000 can make or break an organization. Signing up is easy to do and I promise, they are not going to come to your door and make you step on the scale if you sign up.

P.P.S. Photo/weight stats being posted later this afternoon Tuesday.

Okay … late Tuesday:

Tags: cnn, ireport
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