Round the Dinner Table?
As a kid, dinner consisted of three kids sitting around table with only the sound of clinking of chopsticks and spoons against our Corelle dishes to break the silence. Honestly, I can’t remember a single conversation over dinner that was noteworthy, but then again, I tend not to dredge up the past very often. I definitely think that dinnertime at our house was a caricature of what a stereotypical Asian dinner looked like. Kids were seen, but not heard. And much of the conversation was in Korean and, sadly, I don’t speak Korean.
As a teen, it was just my father and I. Stepmother #1 was long gone, my father had started dating and my brother and sister had moved out of the house. I spent a lot of dinners reheating leftovers and eating alone. To this day, I can’t believe I am still fond of spaghetti and burritos.
Nowadays, I am not so insistent about sitting around the dinner table. Paige and I eat at the table about 60% of the time. Sometimes we zone out and watch a movie while we eat. Sometimes I am working late and Paige makes something for herself and eats alone. Sometimes we go out and have someone else cook for us for a change. It’s a total crapshoot. A mixed bag. But it works for just the two of us and I don’t think we would be any closer if we sat around the table every single night while we ate our spaghetti and burritos. It’s inconsequential for us.
So do I think that eating together is sacred? Sure it is. But I also think there are plenty of other ways to be “present” with your kids. In the car, at night when you are snuggling or over an ice cream cone – just listen and you’ll be surprised where the conversation takes you.
Here’s what Heather Armstrong from Dooce, Mindy Roberts from The Mommy Blog and I have to say about eating together as a family:
PS. Thanks for your patience and well wishes. I will get back into regularly posting when my head is on straight. The last three weeks have kicked my ass.
Tags: dinner, dooce, heather armstrong, mindy roberts, mommy blog, momversation
This entry was posted on Sunday, March 15th, 2009 at 10:40 am and is filed under Daily. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
6 Responses to “Round the Dinner Table?”
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The common thread in NUMEROUS cultures and families is that the act of “breaking bread” together has significant impact for many. Just turn on the travel channel or food network and it’s easy to notice that sharing food and sitting around that table together has social and emotional meaning. It ties family members, friends and even strangers a bit closer. Sharing of food together is almost always present during celebrations of all kinds from birthdays, to weddings, to holidays to even memorial services. A PART (of course not the only reason) of why mommies (for example) want you to eat eat eat or a friend invites you to dinner is to extend or express a form of love or care. So if it has that kind of affect in gatherings, societies or communities, how much more does it do for more intimate family setting?
Growing up Korean, our gatherings centered largely around food. It was NEVER even an option to eat alone. We HAD HAD HAD to eat as a family. And we were quite loud … a time to converse in both Korean and English. And although my bro and I didn’t understand the Korean, it was still important to be there together. True, we (as kids) were not always heard nor were our voiced opinions always valued, but what mattered was that we were there TOGETHER. In retrospect, that solidified the notion of what family really meant — that despite our differences in opinions (sometimes arguments would erupt at the table as well) or the fact we didn’t always had the deepest conversations, it did help solidify that we were a family unit meant to be together no matter what.
That’s something that still carries on. Maybe we’re not the “typical Korean family,” but whenever my parents are in town and we gather around the table, we are obnoxiously loud (this is especially noticable at restaurants). I love it that way and my husband (who’s not Korean, by the way) loves it too even though he DIDN’T grow up in a setting that ate together. Sure, there are many other moments to connect with our kids and even more signicant moments to make them feel heard and valued, but … I dunno … something about sitting at the table, eating, laughing, sharing … there’s something beautiful and concrete about that. Maybe that’s also a part of what it was/is — the consistency. That no matter how chaotic life gets, we always can come back to the table and re-focus on those most important in our lives.
Giyen,
I grew up with my mom because my parents were divorced and my dad moved to another continent.
I respect many things about my mom now that I am an adult and understand some things better, and I respect that she did not care about house stuff and cooking and such. BUT, I am sad that I have no memories of meals together. I started cooking when I was in high school and we sat and ate them on the weekends in front of the TV. Today, as a parent, family dinners are my #1 priority even with picky eaters, all the noises and arguing, whining and whatever kids do… It’s about sitting together, looking at each other, relating to one another, interacting. Even if we eat leftovers or pizza (yes, we do that sometimes), as long as we sit together, it’s the most important thing. Eating alone is not so much fun.
I am trying to give to my kids what I never had. I hope they will appreciate it when they grow up.
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We eat dinner together every night at 5pm. A throw back to my childhood I suppose. Hubby works out of town 3-4 nights a week but even when he is away dinner time all together (me and the kids) is a ritual. A good one too as it is often the only time of the day we all sit together and catch up.
For me, I do like to put a lot of stock into sitting together for dinner time. It wasn’t as big with my parents growing up, but I do know I enjoyed sitting around the table with my grandparents. Once my parents split up, it was even less of a to-do to eat dinner together. Sure, we did some times — but not really that often as far as I can remember.
Ha! Giyen, I had a similar experience growing up. At my grandparents the kids were supposed to either be totally quiet or eat in another room and preferably be quiet there. And conversation around the dinner table would be in Arabic, but my brother and I weren’t taught Arabic (though we picked up a few curse words). These days it’s a different story, with just my son and I. And often he won’t eat what I make myself for dinner so I tend to cook in shifts. I make one of his standard faves first and put it in the dining room. Then I go back to the kitchen to finish making my meal and will often eat it in there, while listening to MPR. We do sit together and share many other meals though, and I feel I am very much present and there for him throughout the day/evening.
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As the stay-at-home parent, I think having dinner with my kids is nice, but not essential in order for me to maintain my bond with them. After all, I’m always there, you know?
However, for my husband, I think it matters more for him, because he’s often gone before they wake up and sometimes not home until after they’re in bed. On the nights that he does make it home for dinner, it’s like a big party for them. They love being with him. That’s their time with him–so, it matters.
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