She Was A Pistol
My Aunt died last Thursday evening. I did not find out till late Sunday evening on my way back from a holiday in Vancouver, Canada. I was not able to attend the Memorial Service because I was still out of the country.
My Aunt did things her way. She left her homeland of Korea in order to escape the mediocrity of what she thought her life would become if she stayed there. She was strong willed, opinionated and often times sharp tongued. This probably would have ended up disastrous for her if she ended up becoming a traditional Korean housewife. She wasn’t one to mince words or take direction.
She came to America with hopes of a better life – like all immigrants who are brave enough to leave everything that they know. Sadly, things did not happen as she had planned – there was divorce, heartache, complacency and disappointment. Nonetheless, she swallowed her own bitterness and poured much of her efforts into helping to raise my brother, sister and I. She treated us like her own and gave me the only motherly love that I knew.
It was hard to see her in those last days. Though she was lucid, she was in great pain at times. One of the last things that she said to me was, “You’re beautiful.” If you knew her, you’d know that compliment rarely passed through her lips. She was critical at times and that was the only time that I have ever recalled her saying something like this ever. I’ll never forget it.
When I last saw her, she was asleep from the morphine used to ease her pain. I never got to say that last goodbye before I left. I never got to say, “I love you” one last time. It’s hard to think about.
*****
I turned 35 today. Yep, it’s my birthday and I am grieving. Today I could give a fuck about what the scale says or if I make it as a writer or if I get anything accomplished. I can hardly write. I can hardly breathe.
Today, I am going to feel bad, because it feels bad right now.
But tomorrow will be different and I am looking forward to it.
Tags: gomo
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 at 2:20 pm and is filed under Daily. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
26 Responses to “She Was A Pistol”
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Giyen,
Happy birthday! But it’s OK to feel whatever you feel on your birthday. No pressure! Also, it seems that you’ve accomplished so much in your 35 years–that was the first thing that came to my mind when I read the number “35″. I’m amazed you have a teenage daughter to boot (no pun intended). She’s an accomplishment right there, obviously!
Hang in there.
Giyen, I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like an amazing woman and it’s great that you had her in your life. Keeping you in my heart today as you are hurting.
Also want to wish you a happy birthday, even though it’s not a happy day. Sending good vibes and hugs your way.
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She definitely was beautiful.
You definitely are beautiful.
Happy birthday.
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I’m sorry for your loss. Take care.
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I’m so sorry to hear of your aunt’s passing. My condolences.
((hugs)) Giyen.
I follow you on twitter now. I’ll be out here in the vast www keeping an eye on you.
I’ve just begin reading your blog after seeing you on Momversations. I hope all is well
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I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your aunt was a special woman.
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and pain.
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were lucky to have her and she was lucky to have you.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, but it sure sounds like your Aunt was a phenomenal person and that the world is a better place for having had her in it.
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We are in mourning together. And we will celebrate her life together. As I said in my eulogy to her, let’s let her legacy of what she did for our family AND what she did for us individually to pass on to generations to come. Let us have her live on through us and beyond. Like many of us, she wasn’t perfect … but she was definitely, without a doubt, an amazing woman. She was certainly a powerhouse. That is the Gomo we will forever remember and cherish. And as I believe, she’s partaying with the Big Guy in Heaven having the time of her eternity.
May God give you comfort! She looks beautiful but what is REALLY beautiful is shining from her eyes and smile. And I am sure she knew you were there that last visit. She would also want you to have a Happy Birthday. Maybe would even scold you for mourning her.
But you are right – the heart knows what it has to do to heal. Are you familiar with that Bible verse? “Weeping may endure for the night but JOY comes in the morning”! You have the right idea.
Happy birthday. Sometimes we need to let our selves grieve and feel like shit… it’s like a type of therapy I’m sure. I hope you are feeling more like your self soon.
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My deepest condolences. Loss is hard–period. Happy Birthday. Even though it may not be that ‘happy’ right now. Losing those we are close to it so utterly painful, especially losing those that served as parental figures. I lost my own mother a little over 3 years ago, so I completely empathize with what you are going through. Even though I don’t know you in person, I know you in blog and momversation. You ARE beautiful.
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I offer you many virtual hugs. Your aunt sounds like she was a wonderful woman. Even though it was a rough couple of days, I hope you at least enjoyed your birthday a little bit. On the brighter side of things, you’re now the third person I know who’s born on March 24th — the first two being my daughter and a friend of mine.
Hang in there!
i’m so sorry for your loss. it’s so hard to understand (for me, anyway) why those we’re close to, are taken from us. i’m sure there’s some explanation for it all, that we have yet to find out about. you’ll be in my thoughts today.
Oh Giyen, I am so sorry. What a rough start you’ve had to this year! You are in my thoughts, my dear.
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I’m so sorry for your loss!
Happy Belated Birthday, I’m glad that youre looking at tomorrow (well today, now) as a new day.
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Sending you good vibes and condolences! Hang in there. This too shall pass.
You didn’t have to say “I love you” one more time, she already knew that. My heart goes out to you and yours…
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Yobo Say Oh…My late condolences to you on the loss of your Aunt. I too am Korean, well half. I read your story on CNN where you stated you wanted to find relatives in Korea. I feel the same but don’t have a clue as where to start. I will be subscribing to this blog to keep up with your, hopefully, good progress on finding your relatives. Your Aunt really looks like a pistol…a good one.
My grandparents immigrated from South Korea to Hawaii and worked the sugar cane fields. My Dad was in Milwaukee at one time cooking for his uncle until the depression when he went back to Hawaii.
We have Kims in our family tree and our “original” name was Mah, then changed to Ma, then Mar, then Marr…drives me crazy and at times I would like to change my last name to Mah. My Korean heritage has become very important to me but I am not young anymore so I try to get what information I can out of my Aunt who is now 89 I think. She’s not a Marr and has amazing genes. I’ve learned a lot from her but still wish I could go backwards more.
I wish you luck in finding your relatives…
Aloha!
You know what, you don’t mention how close and the role your aunt played in making you who you are. I saw you on CNN, and you mention your aunt passed away. I thought, “hmmm…taking it very hard for an aunt..” BUt, now , since clicking on to the post to find out why your heart hurts so much with your aunt’s passing, I see she was actually your mother. And a loving, nurturing, gave your heart a home, mother. I’m so sorry for you…that was my grandmother. She was the only mother I knew. I remember I couldn’t get off of work when seh passed, since it was “only a grandmother.” I called in sick. Titles, they don’t really say who that person was to us. Wish I were there to listen to stories about your aunt…you were lucky to have her.