A Subject Of Great Consternation
Just recently, Paige’s father has expressed the desire to play a greater role in her life (again). And has taken action towards making that happen (again). I wish I could be thrilled, but when it comes to the subject of my daughter’s tender heart, I turn into a mother bear who will take down anyone who tries to hurt her. Over the years, I have taught myself to refrain from being outright hostile towards him. And it’s really hard most of the time.
You see, the last 14, almost 15 years of co-parenting with Paige’s father has worn me down. Co-parenting is a generous word. He and I were only together through her first year and a half of life and honestly, it was mostly because I promised my unborn little girl that I would try, just try and make it work with him before I threw in the towel. I’ve never had any regrets about leaving when I did.
The few years after Paige was born were, for the most part, stable. Her father got married and had another daughter, Katarina, and all of us were civil and somewhat supportive of one another. Things started to fall apart when Paige entered into kindergarten. It became apparent that she was suffering from being schlepped back and forth each week under our old schedule. She was having difficulty adjusting to – my rules, his rules and school rules.
And then all hell broke loose when her father decided to “keep” her for longer than we had agreed. He was still spending time with her – “what was my problem?” I felt vulnerable. I was without legal recourse since neither of us had legal custody. I decided to file and a heated battle ensued.
There is a reason why people call it a custody “battle.” It really is a battle and you are really willing to go to the mat for what you believe is right. At the time I was in my mid-20s. I thought I was “right” about everything. Nowadays, I am not so absolute. I definitely would have gone about things differently in hindsight. All I can say was that it was ugly and oh was there mudslinging – but mostly from the other side of the camp. I gained 25 pounds from all of the emotional eating.
Soon after being granted “primary” custody, we tried to move on and be civil. But then he and his wife got a divorce and things fell apart quickly. He was a complete mess, an alcoholic musician who couldn’t keep it together. During weekends with Paige, he would make her spend hours upon hours in a bar/restaurant where he would play pool with this friends and she would patiently wait. There was nothing I could do. I tried. After several months of this, I pulled the big guns and threatened to go to court again. He agreed to take a break from seeing her so he could pull things together. That was the beginning of his spotty involvement in her life.
Since then, he has ebbed and flowed in and out our lives based on where he is in his life and whether or not he is actively working on his demons. Last summer came to a head when his longtime girlfriend left him. I had never seen him in such terrible shape. He was in the grips of severe depression and went missing for some time. We feared the worst. When he reappeared, he went into a treatment facility. We hadn’t heard much from him, though we knew that he was alive and trying to sort things out.
12 months later, he is living in Seattle and wants to reestablish a relationship with Paige. In the past 12 months, not once did he attempt to see Paige even though we live 5 miles away from each other. At first, I thought it was because he thought it was best to stay away. But since then, we have learned that has been to visit her sister 4 times. She lives 450 miles away. How could that not hurt a kid? It makes my blood boil.
I have watched Paige, open her heart to her father so many times, only to be disappointed. It is a subject of great consternation for me. I get so emotional and angry and edgy each time it happens. But Paige? She forgives. Her heart is open. She has no expectations about how things should be between a daughter and father (she’s past that now), she just figures that she would rather have him in her life than not. She accepts things the way that they are and is willing to take the risk. Her love in unconditional and a source of great inspiration to me.
*****
The above photo was taken, by me on Paige’s 8th Grade graduation. On the day of the graduation, Paige’s father call her and told her that he would not be able to attend unless I gave him a ride. He didn’t call me, he called her. She of course, frantically phoned to tell me that I absolutely needed to give him a ride. I cannot tell you how pissed off I was. Seriously -
- WTF him calling her?!?!
- Why can’t he find a ride from someone else? I mean, seriously? Call a cab. Ride the bus. FIGURE IT OUT.
- I cannot think of anything worse than being stuck in the car with him on a long round-trip commute.
- How did the day became about him and not about a mother and daughter celebrating making it through 9 years of school together? To me, him being there was like showing up for the trophy but never even participating in the race.
But this is not about me. Most things about being a parent are not about “me.” They are about her. Through gritted teeth, I gave him a ride. And I did it for her.
Tags: paige, the father
24 Responses to “A Subject Of Great Consternation”
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Well I haven’t commented in a while but this is a situation so similar to mine, since I grew up with an alcoholic dad who was in and out and unpredictable. (In fact, come to think of it, most of the people on my mom’s side of the family have that kind of unpredictable alcoholic father figure. It’s odd none of us have become strippers (yet ;D)).
My cousin reminds me of Paige. She has a “worse” father than I do and she, like Paige, during her teen years was so open and forgiving and let him stumble in and out of her life. But by the time she was 18, she was so far down on her last thread that she’s cut her father off completely. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but just remember you’re not alone and if Paige is anything like you she’ll be fine =]. And people can change if they really want to, there’s always that hope that “the father” is in it for the long haul this time. Good luck, I wish there was more I could do to help.
Congrats to you & Paige on her graduation!
.-= Asianmommy´s last blog ..Happy Fourth of July Fruit Flag =-.
Oh that just breaks my heart. For both you and Paige.
I often wonder what it would have been like had my dadlived. Probably not good. I am messed up as it is
.-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..The 4th of July Present =-.
I totally relate to your situation although I was Paige and defended my dad until the bitter end until I got into my late 20′s and realized how fucked up I was about his absence in my life. I have spent many a counseling session working through my anger at my dad and the good news is that at 40, I am finally able to see that he just didn’t have the tools to be a good dad and most importantly, it was not my fault! Tough stuff and I appreciate that you protective of your daughter and you should continue to be there for her. Her relationship with her dad will evolve and she will need you to lean on when/if he abandons his responsibilities again. The important thing is that you are a consistent supportive force in her life. Congrats to Paige for graduation – she is such a beautiful girl with the world ahead of her.
Wow, this is totally heartbreaking for me to read. I have no idea what you go through but I can honestly say that… you are a strong woman. It’s easy to pull your daughter away from her dad and be done with it. Moms want their kids to never get hurt physically and emotionally but… I don’t know, I think your daughter will figure out a way to deal with her dad. Better this than going through life doing the “what ifs” and having a false sense of who he is. My own dad was a cold, emotionally abusive person but… there were some good moments. lol. He passed away when I was 19 and I felt totally ripped off for not having more time with him (even knowing how he was!).
Stay strong for you and your kid. Maybe you should set limits that both your ex and your daughter should know never to cross, no matter who gets indignant. I mean, c’mon, you need to feel good somewhere too. Congrats to you for brining up a conscientious and gorgeous daughter! You should be proud. You’ve earned it.
.-= ChantaleP´s last blog .. =-.
BTW: I love the photo with a big black box over your ex’s head with “The Father” written on it. It’s hilarious!
.-= ChantaleP´s last blog .. =-.
What a fabulous job you have done and what a gift you have given your daughter. The ability to judge for herself the man that is her father and the ability to love him without fear of losing YOU. All parents are human and can fail at things. And it hurts that some have to learn that earlier and hurts more when they are humans that struggle to even achieve “normal”. How good it must be for her to know that should she fall or have tears to shed that you will be there to catch her.
.-= mylittlesoapbox´s last blog ..Why I hand my camera to my sons =-.
You’re a good mom.
Custody issues get dirty
I watched/am watching my mother battle is out for YEARS with the father of my brother. It’s miserable to watch. 
I hope Paige’s father can be a positive role in her life this time. I totally understand your frustrations.
My father wasn’t around when I was little and I don’t think I’ve completely forgiven him yet.
.-= desiree fawn´s last blog ..Love List =-.
Wow. WOW. All I can say is you are a better person than a lot of people would be. You are so strong. It’s good that Paige has you as the stable presence in her life. I hope this doesn’t turn into another fiasco for you guys. You’re a wonderful mom.
.-= Jen L.´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Vacation, Part the Third =-.
You are a better woman than I am. That’s all I’m gonna say until we can someday trade custody battle stories in person. Preferably with the aid of margaritas.
.-= Mir´s last blog ..Love keeps getting better =-.
I too am a “momma bear” when it comes to my children. It’s in our nature to shield and protect them from everything and everybody as much as possible … not only shield them, but claw and gnaw at those who can potentially hurt them in any way. And although I’ve never been in a custody battle, there had been darker times of pending divorce and me not wanting their father to have ANYTHING to do with their lives because I truly felt they were better without.
That being said, it does take an immeasurable amount of mental and emotional sacrifice to “let go” and allow your child to decide what’s/who’s needed in her life. Father figures (ANY parental figure actually) are essential for their own personal journeys aside from our own as the “main” parent. It’s wonderful that you love her so much that you’ve TRUSTED her to embark on this life journey for herself. Because it’s not only about establishing a relationship with a father … but establishing a deeper understanding and discovery of who she is as a maturing woman. That even if this relationship turns sour, that void of “what abouts and what ifs” has been filled and that she has tried her best as a daughter. And through this man, she realizes a bit more all the multi-dimensions of who and why she is (if that makes any sense). Trust that she is strong enough to learn from life’s harsh lessons and become stronger … and trust in YOUR strength to be there for her when those difficult moments come. She has the stability of MOM in her life … and that is SO MUCH.
In the meantime, I hope this continues to flower into a beautiful story for Paige (and you) ….(and the father). That the odds of them developing positive experiences to last a life time will outnumber the negative ones.
You are a strong and brave woman!
.-= jasmine´s last blog ..On Growing Up =-.
Well, I suppose it’s better than a non-existent father who’s identity is even sketchy at best. Does that make it alright? Not at all. At the very least though, you are proving that you are the better person in this situation because 1) you’re raising her, 2) you’re willing to give things like this a shot because you love her, and 3) you’re not throwing him to the ground, kicking him profusely in his nether regions. My hat’s off to you!
I wondered as I read this how many times you’ve asked yourself, as I have, what you ever could’ve seen in such a man. Oh to have a time machine and be able to go back into the past and tip myself off about how it’s all going to turn out.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..on perfectionism and flaws =-.
I sympathize with you. As a divorced mom of two, I’m lucky in that their father and I never battled over custody. We agreed that they needed us both in their lives, however, they were better off with me most of the time, due to his demons (alcohol, spotty work etc.) He’s mostly straightened out now (aside from being a financial disaster), but I still bear the brunt of their financial, educational and emotional well-being because he is not yet in a place where he is able to do so. It’s difficult to hear my kids idealize him, especially my oldest who thinks he’s be better off with Dad. I can’t explain to him the reasons why he’s not without telling him things about his father he doesn’t need to know. Single parenthood is not easy, but in these situations I think its always best to take the high road, as you have done, for the sake of the kids.
That is a hard situation to be in and I feel for you. I wish only for the best for your daughter.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..I’m back! =-.
I can’t say I can relate, because I definitely cannot. However, I hear about this stuff a lot, and it breaks my heart everytime. Why do the kids always get stuck in the middle?? It’s so unfair of the ex to even attempt to get under your skin like this.
I hope you can figure things out without your baby getting hurt…
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..The Frustrating, But Amiable, Grocer =-.
any part of the story that you’ve omitted is surely spoken by THAT SHIRT he’s wearing. oy. my sympathies.
.-= Milla´s last blog ..Let Me Count the Ways =-.
You are a great mother. I have the opposite problem – my mother keeps forgiving my father over and over again…and she keeps asking me to forgive him for being in and out of my life. I cannot stand their toxic relationship. So tired. So angry. So over it.
P.S. Soooo agree with Milla – the shirt is definitely WTF? =)
.-= mrs.notouching´s last blog ..The No Cry No Sleep Solution =-.
Hey there strong mom. Keep on keepin’ on. I’m a mom. My daughter’s name is Paige. Her dad divorced me and was an incredible jerk (i’m being nice in a huge way with this description.) However for my daughter and her brother I took care of him when he had cancer, through his death and after his death as well. And it is for my kids. …For them to experience first hand that that their mother can treat their father with kindness and concern. Also, please know that he is valuable to her alive. She will see who he is as he ages. With my kids, their dad in nostalgia’s eyes becomes very sainted.
Paige is lucky to have one parent whose love and concern and sense of responsibility for her wellbeing is taking the place of two. You rock. Don’t ever forget it.
Also, she will likely grow up to see how all the people we love are flawed (some more than others) and she will gain a great sense of just how very much you love her by the way that you are the consistent parent, and that you supported her in her efforts to have a relationship with someone who really doesn’t get the role of a real dad. If she’s smart (and I think she is) she’ll figure that out, and love you even more for letting her try to work on a relationship wtih her father. Kudos to you for doing it. (What a manipulative move, calling her when he should have “manned up” and called you directly-lame!)
wow. whether you believe it or not right now, you are an amazing mother. you’ve raised an awesome daughter and you don’t give yourself enough credit sometimes. i’m sure you are so proud of her, but you should be proud of yourself too for shaping her into the wonderful person that she is becoming. =)
Just came across your blog a few days ago & this entry reached out, grabbed my heart & gave it a tug. As has been stated, your daughter is lucky to have such a wonderful mother. I can relate to Paige, as my parents divorced when I was 1 & my father has been in & out of my life ever since [29 years]. When he does contact me/see me, it’s on HIS terms. Even now that he is a grandfather for the first time, he does little to show he cares or connect with us. My son’s first birthday was less than a month ago & he didn’t send a card, call or even leave a message on Facebook wishing his grandson a happy birthday :/
Paige sounds like a strong, beautiful hearted girl. It’s not easy having one parent basically be absent in your life, but I hope she can continue to be as forgiving & open hearted as the years go on. Through it all, I continue to leave the door open for my father to step up & be the “Dad” he has never been. Even at 30 years old, I’d still like a “Dad”. I hope that by 30, Paige isn’t waiting on the same thing & her relationship with her father is on much more solid ground.
[P.S. Unlike Paige, I did not have a loving, supportive mother to guide me along the way. My mother was, unfortunately, also not the greatest parent. So what a blessing she has such a great mom willing to fend & fight for her if need be.]