The Elephant Woman
Last Thursday I had an allergic reaction to some bug bites. Six actually.
I was sitting in a long meeting when I started to get really hot. Not in the “oh it’s going to be 90 degrees today” hot, but more like “oh bollocks, I am going to get sick” sort of hot. In fact, by the end of the meeting my right arm was throbbing so much that I felt for sure something was ominous was in the works.
When I had a chance to inspect my arm in the women’s bathroom, I noticed that the spot right above my elbow had swollen to about twice the size. And so distracted was I by the grapefruit sized protrusion on my arm, that I had initially ignored the sight of my face. Which, by the way, was developing a similar bump the size of a quarter. Of course, this just ended up looking like a herculean zit.
In the moment, I deduced that it could only mean one thing – SWINE FLU.
OR flesh eating bacteria.
Okay that’s two things.
I immediately went to my on call medical consultant – Google.
In hindsight, if you are experiencing an allergic reaction – DO NOT DO THIS. Google will tell you to go to the doctor. But that’s after telling you that you are going to die and showing you all kinds of pictures that you don’t want to see about what your impending death is going to look like. Resist.
On the way to my doctor’s office (to see the on-call guy) two more bumps appeared out of nowhere! My left hand started to swell up, along with a spot on my collarbone. At this point I resolved that these were bug bites. This meant that whatever it was, it was ON ME RIGHT NOW. POSSIBLY ON MY FACE. Thinking about this caused me to have an involuntary body spasm (as most situations do when you imagine bugs crawling on you), which in turn made my car swerve and scare a couple of unsuspecting pedestrians (Sorry, couple with stroller!).
At the doctor’s office, the medical assistant asked me why I was there. I just pointed to my arm and she gave me the face. The one where people try to cover up their sheer horror by giving you a pursed smile and talk to you in a sing-songy voice.. The eyes never lie. I could tell she wanted to get the hell out of there and douse herself with Purell. What else would your reaction be when faced with a women who looked like she was developing some sort of skin eating bacteria?
When the doc came in, I pointed to my arm again. His reaction?
“Yeah, I don’t know. Whatever it was, your body doesn’t like it.”
BRILLIANT!
I left with a couple of prescriptions and antibiotics and prepared to sequester myself indoors for two insufferably hot days. There was no way I was leaving the house in that condition – with my face looking like I had cellulite and my arm looking like I had “two elbows” (as Paige sensitively put it).
On Sunday, things were starting to look manageable again. Like I can leave the house without feeling like children are going to start crying at the sight of me. Sadly, I got two more infected bug bites … which means the culprit is still out there ready to crawl all over me as I sleep.
Gross.
This entry was posted on Monday, July 20th, 2009 at 9:53 am and is filed under Daily. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
6 Responses to “The Elephant Woman”
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UGH! It’s nothing like bug bites to put a damper on your summer fun! I’ve had poison ivy on my leg for nearly a month now. People point and stare if I wear shorts or a skirt!
.-= Renee´s last blog ..Gratitude =-.
Google is the WORST place to self diagnose. The amount of times I have called my mother in hysterics because Google images and WebMD told me I was going to die are too many to count. In times of illness, the Internet is SO not your friend.
.-= Accidental Olympian´s last blog ..MUST. KEEP. EYES. OPEN. =-.
When you find the nasty, hateful little bugger, splatter it. Ick. I’m feeling itchy just thinking about it.
Yuck. I hate bugs. Fell better fast !
.-= Debbie´s last blog ..Week 8 =-.
This summer the bugs are just insanely bad. I’m afraid to walk out in shorts for fear of insane sand dollar sized wounds. Feel better soon!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..On Getting My Shit Together =-.
Oh my….too funny. Of course, to you it’s too funny much after the fact
I feel your pain though. I had a very bad reaction to poison ivy on my face when I was 10 and my eyes swelled shut and my face literally looked like a lumpy, infected tomato. It was embarrassing as all get out, and my mother forced me to go out in public despite.