This Is How Things Are Going Right Now
Holy crap! Things here have been all sorts of ridiculous upon ridiculous. I feel like my life is like the second half hour into a game of Jenga – most of the easy blocks have been pulled out of the tower and all that’s left are pieces that are so precariously balanced that one wrong move could cause everything to fall apart and scatter across the table. Ping! Ping! Ping!
Last Friday I met my friends Andrew, Eden and Katharine for happy hour before watching the movie Julie & Julia (you know, the “Cinderella” movie for bloggers). As happy hour coordinator I had to choose a place that was (a) close the the movie theater (b) close to Capitol Hill (c) on the busline and (d) had frou frou happy hour drinks. After assessing about half a dozen restaurants, I decided on a place that I vowed NEVER EVER to step foot in again. After all, I was in a rush, it met all the criteria, I couldn’t think of anywhere else and so on.
Bad things happen when you break vows.
Let’s step back for one grand second. Why did I vow never to walk through the doors of the aforementioned restaurant in the first place?
Because I used to work there in the late 90′s.
Because it was my very last restaurant job ever.
Because it was the place that made me say,”I WILL NEVER EFFING WORK IN A RESTAURANT AGAIN.”
Because I was still in my twenties and making vows were second nature – I vow never get a perm again! I vow to never eat meat! I vow to only eat meat! I vow never to date musicians!
Eight years later I never looked back. Until last Friday, that is. We ate cheap Asian happy hour food and washed them down with some Lemongrass Lime Rickeys. Oh so wrong.
About three quarters of the way in to Julie & Julia I started to get a pang and a grumble. No problem, right? Just a little indigestion from the food. Mental note: Take an antacid when I get home. Another hour later the ‘pang and grumble’ turned into a grumble, a burn and a stab. I knew this was headed to nowhere good so I rushed home in hopes of falling asleep before the onset of something worse.
FUTILE. Around 2 am I wake up to the fact that I (BRACE YOURSELVES) have the “Big D” a.k.a. ‘Rhea a.k.a. you know what I mean.
Let’s take another step back. I might have mentioned that Paige and I live in some tight quarters – 800 sq foot house on a 6000 sq foot lot. I’ve had apartments bigger than our house. Our bathroom is so small that if you are on the toilet, you cannot open the door. There’s very little privacy here – our bedrooms and bathroom open up to the living room. There is no hall to sneak down. Ever.
With that in mind, having the “Big D” might have been tenable if it were just Paige and I at home. HOWEVER, that would be considered good luck and if you are wondering how my luck has been, reread sentence # 2 of this post. Paige’s friend Beatrice was at the house for a sleepover. And they were still up at 2 am because that’s what teenagers do – they have friends over and stay up till the movie they are watching lulls them to sleep.
OH. MY. GOD.
Between the hours of 2 am and 9:30 am I was rushing back and forth from the bedroom and bathroom. As you can imagine, my own mortification was wholly surpassed by my own daughter’s mortification over her mother pooping while her friend was over. This is terrible! UNFORGIVABLE! And ever more tragic, I wasn’t JUST pooping, I had the “Big D” – which I would be remiss not to mention that this was no less than SOCIAL SUICIDE for a certain 14 year old. I can already hear the stories now, “Uhmygawd! When I was at Paige’s house, her mom pooped! While I was in the next room! AND I HEARD IT!”
None of my attempts to run the faucet full throttle or burn through an entire bag of votive candles from IKEA helped to cover up the situation. I am now a pariah and am officially banned from ever pooping again.
This is how things are going right now.
PS. I vow never to break another vow again.
Tags: embarrassing, paige
OMG. I’m either going to have to stop cosleeping, or stop reading your blog at night under the covers. I have such bad church giggles right now!! Must not wake up BABY!
Seriously, this post is the best thing to happen to me in days. You are nothing short of hilarious.
PS Holy crap, indeed.
You don’t know how bad I needed this laugh this morning. . and I don’t mean to laugh at your misery. I too was a single mom with a teenager so I know how bad we mortify them… oh well when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Hahaha, hahahah, my cheeks and side are hurting right now! Poor Paige, Poop, I mean poor you!
Hope you are feelin better!?
Krystal´s last blog ..Thru My Sons Eyes
OH MAN. I am flopping between pity and laughing out loud right now! This is such a terribly terrific story. I’m so sorry the food made you sick, though – that is no fun AT ALL.
jenn´s last blog ..Week 16 Results: I’ll Take It!
Ah, food poisoning — the reason I will never, ever, EVER eat a certain peanut butter brand with the boy who never grows up. Jerks! I feel your pain, at least in the case of the late night “episodes.” As far as the teenager with a friend sleeping over… yikes! I’m sure she doesn’t take comfort in the fact that teenagers are clinically proven to be way too embarrassed about anything and everything.
Oh, bless your heart! I once got the Big D from a friend’s mom’s seafood alfredo while staying with her family IN THEIR CAMPER! I totally feel your pain.
Jen L.´s last blog ..Worless Wednesday: First Day Of "School"
I thought I was the only one who called it ‘The Big D.’ And I echo your pain. When I first moved in with S, I realized at some point in time that I would have to ‘poo’ in his house. That time naturally came in the form of the big d. And when I opened the bathroom door after running the fan, water, and everything else I thought might create enough white noise to cover the sound…I found him standing there staring at me. I wanted to die.
Nicki´s last blog ..Breyer’s Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake
The only thing worse is having the “Big D” at work. And yes I have.
robyn´s last blog ..Amazed
Poor You!!!! THAT blows…. literally.
Jasmine´s last blog ..Breakfast and then a nap
Oh honey! This had me giggling, but they were sympathy giggles. Our only bathroom shares a wall with my son’s room but thankfully he still sleeps through everything. And for whatever reason I am highly susceptible to food poisoning. Other people can eat the same tainted food and be just fine but me? I’ll be hurling up a storm all night.
Sharyn´s last blog ..The Worlds of Other Choices
Oh lordy lordy. I am laughing and feeling your pain at the same time. I recently had a nasty bout of the Big D and although my partner and I are comfortable using the toilet in front of eachother, I was still MORTIFIED at the sounds that I was making and just wanted to die! I can only imagine how that experience would differ with a teenager in the house. Love how candid you are about your life. Makes me feel like the crap that happens in my life is normal.
Oh no! Hope you’re feeling better now.
Asianmommy´s last blog ..Pottery Barn Kids Back-to-School Decorating Class
You poor, poor thing.
This has happened to me too, and no, it’s not pleasant. Anything but.
I will cross all digits for you in the hopes that things start looking up for you, and fast.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Working Is Highly Overrated
I had to read this four times to realize you had diarrhea.
Man, I am an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope you feel better.
I got the Big D while watching “The Hurt Locker” at the Egyptian in Capitol Hill. And of course it had to happen during all the quiet dialogue scenes and not during the loud explosion scenes. Hrm.