Monday, March 22nd, 2010
This coming week will mark my thirty-sixth birthday. Thirty-six is on the downhill slope to Forty. F-O-O-O-O-R-T-Y. Ostensibly, that’s considered middle aged. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that – but it is a milestone.)
I have never really been a big birthday person. At least not since I was little. Last year around this time, my Auntie died. The year before that, I quit my job. I can’t even remember the year before that. I think I was hiding under the covers somewhere. I generally like to avoid holidays altogether because there’s always so much pressure wrapped around days like this. I am just not into it and would take a non-celebratory dinner with a friend over any old party. I keep trying to change that particular characteristic about myself. Or at least, get better at it faking it. But honestly, I am terrible about having people make a fuss over of me. It makes me itchy.
What I actually like doing on my birthday is to take the day and spend it alone. To you, that may seem incredibly depressing and sad. But to me, it sounds decadent and heavenly. I am a single mother. I rarely have time that is unencumbered. Having an entire day to do things my way without feeling guilty about it or worrying about what other people want is a true “gift to self.” I have spent entire birthdays in bed, reading a book from cover to cover. Or going to the spa. Or catching up on sleep. The key to my enjoyment it is not feeling guilty about it and not worrying about offending other people who might have other ideas about the big day.
This year, I am incredibly cash poor so I think I will keep things simple. I am taking the day off from work and I think I’ll spend the entire day writing or doing something nerdy like design a new masthead or read a new tech book I got. I might even mosey across the street to the nursery and buy some flowers for my window box. I’ll definitely go out to breakfast – which is my favorite meal of the day.
The point is that there is no point to the day but to do things that make me happy.
I am actually feeling quite smitten about the idea.
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Thursday, March 11th, 2010
During the month of March, all these emotions start percolating up to the surface. It’s birthday month.
If you’re anything like me, you start going through the life’s proverbial checklist around this time:
Baby? Check.
House? Check.
Successful career? Depends on what day you ask me.
Marriage? Uh, no.
Love? Still hopeful.
Travel? Not enough.
Book? Painfully slow going.
Happiness barometer? Partly sunny. Partly cloudy. Chance of rain showers.
Adventure? Do you count moving an island with a population of 10,000 an adventure? (I do.)
Number of meltdowns in the last 365 days? Less than 365. FTW!
And as if mentally checking off a list of accomplishments wasn’t taxing enough, vanity sets in and you start asking yourself the big questions like:
Shoe collection? Too many pointy shoes and high heels. Need rubber boots. And orthotics.
Style? I need a makeover. A Clinton & Stacy makeover.
Wrinkles? No more than last year! Woohoo Asian pearl cream!
Hair? To perm or not to perm?
Weight? Still heavy (pun intended) on my mind.
Usually, when I get to the point on contemplating the size of my ass, I break out the bourbon and get really deep. I take a trip down memory lane and go back. Way back. Back to the dark corner of the closet where I keep my pair of cut off jean shorts from high school. Naturally faded, ala “Nobody put’s baby in the corner” cut off shorts circa 1988. Tiny!
If I am feeling especially nostalgic, I might just attempt to put them on. I stick my feet in the leg holes and pull up the britches by the belt loops. In good years, I’ll make it all the way up to mid thigh. During the not so good years, I generally fall over trying to get them past my knees. It’s awesome. Trust me.
These shorts have meant so many things throughout the years. During my early 20′s and post baby, these shorts tortured me – LOOK AT YOURSELF, YOU CANNOT FIT IN THOSE JEANS ANYMORE. STOP EATING. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Later in my 20′s I lost so much weight that I was able to fit back into them. Of course, I never wore them anywhere outside the confines of my own home, BUT! standing in front of a mirror with those shorts on gave me a sense of vindication and accomplishment -Yes! I did it! I got back to the high school weight.
I broke those shorts out again on Saturday. You know, because I am brooding and have PMS. And I’m still back at square one with my weight struggles. Stress is my trigger and I’ve been under a lot of stress. So of course, looking at shorts 10 sizes too small is going to make me feel better. Right? Of course!
Understanding the futality of even trying them on, I instead came to the conclusion that I am probably never going to fit into them again. And that, my friends, is okay. I never want to be that insecure high school girl – the one who thought she looked fat wearing those cut off shorts. The one who wished she was skinnier at 115 pounds. It’s not a good place to go back to.
Now when I look at those shorts, I see a girl who never saw herself for who she was. The one who was always wishing for something she didn’t have. The one that didn’t accept that even during her leanest, she was beautiful and strong and healthy. And it reminds me do not waste time mulling over the flaws and start focusing on appreciating rather than criticizing.
*****
Also, some unrelated things of note:
As an aside, check out my review on the Sprint 4G Network here and enter to win a chance to win a $300 Visa card.
And, as another aside, due to the success of the campaign, Quaker has decided to increase their maximum donation Share Our Strength to $50,000! Learn more about it by checking out the new Quaker video to the right and for more information click here.
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