Under Water

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

Under Water
The Perfect Storm
Murphy’s Law

Hoo-boy did I get a flood of emails and phone calls from people I know in real life to say, “SHUT UP. YOU CANNOT WRITE SOMETHING ALL OMINOUS LIKE THAT AND NOT TELL ME WTF IS GOING ON!”

And they are, of course, right. I just reread my last post and Jesus, I feel pity on myself!

So, without going into a whole flood of details about my financial affairs, I have made the decision to cut my losses and put my house on the market. You see, I am in a bit of a pickle because the small bathroom leak turned out to be a MAJOR BIG DEAL and I can’t afford the repairs because, well, remember this past year’s pursuit to become a writer? Uh, yeah – I didn’t live off of nothing. I had a bit of money saved and then subsequently lived off of it. And now it is mostly gone.

Normally, I would try to leverage my house in order to get a loan but according to my real estate agent (who is incredibly nice and helpful), I am officially under water on my mortgage … the house down the street that looks identical to mine sold for $180,000. I did the math and it is about 30% less than what I paid for my house 4 YEARS AGO. So at the suggestion of some financial advisers, I am attempting to short sell my house. And honestly, even if I could afford to the repairs, there’s something that just feels wrong about sinking thousands more into a house that has already significantly decreased in value. It seems ridiculous and absurd to me right now. I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t worth fighting for.

If it sounds like I am trying to be a victim, it’s not the intent. If anything, I feel a victim of my own bad judgment. That is the worst feeling ever. Believe me, I have run through the litany of things I could have done better. I could have lived more frugally or saved more money. I could have lived within my means more often than not. Or I could have went on to do something I felt passionate about – like taking a vacation to Europe instead of buying a house. BELIEVE ME, I’ve run through all of the scenarios.

And to top it off, in my neurotic self-analysis phase of the last several months, I came to the (very hard) conclusion that most of the decisions that I have made for myself in my adult life are based on doing what is right for other people or doing what other people think I should do. I know! How PSYCH101 of me! But seriously, when it comes to down to it, I have never really acted in a way that spoke to who I was or want to be. The resulting effect? Many, many things that have not turned out very well. This house debacle being a perfect example.

Really, I’ve been stewing on this for a while.

Happily though, the decisions that I have made around the things that I am most passionate about – this blog being a perfect example – have turned out just lovely. By the way, thank you for your nice comments and emails. You’ve truly made me feel better.

In the next couple of weeks, I’ll be spending a lot of time reflecting on this quote from Oprah’s Stanford University commencement speech:

“And what I’ve found is that difficulties come when you don’t pay attention to life’s whisper, because life always whispers to you first. And if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you’ll get a scream. Whatever you resist persists. But, if you ask the right question—not why is this happening, but what is this here to teach me?—it puts you in the place and space to get the lesson you need.”

And for you Oprah-haters, I will also be reflecting on this sports euphemism too:

“It is what it is.”

Posted in C-c-changes, Daily | 22 Comments »

Dear Sweet Readers

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

It’s been over a week since I have written. I’m sorry. It’s not because I haven’t thought of about you or this blog, in fact, I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. This blog has become an important part of my life. It acts as respite for me. Oftentimes it’s a place to escape to.  At times, I depend on it for my sanity – as a mother, you get so little that is your own. As a single mother … well … you get even less.

But anyway.

I wanted to let you all know that I am right in the middle of making some really big, big life decisions. Decisions that are incredibly difficult and disappointing and messy. As a child whose mother had schizophrenia and whose stepmother was abusive, you get really good at pretending things are okay when they are not. As a child, it was a survival mechanism, but as an adult, it’s a very bad habit to have.

What I’ve learned these past weeks is that when you are pretending, you never truly get to interact with the world. The “pretend you” is interacting with the real world and the real world is interacting with the “pretend you.” Naturally, no one ever gets to see “you” because “you” never actually show up. This is the life I have been living for the past 4 years and I’m through with it.

Someone recently sent me this quote:

“there are many great pains in the world, but the greatest pain is to avoid pain itself…”

It’s so true. Things are not okay and they haven’t been for a while.

So big announcements ahead.

Sorry to be all mysterious but everything is not quite sorted out yet and I need to finalize things before I spill the beans.

Much love,

Giyen

Posted in C-c-changes, Daily | 26 Comments »