Archive for the ‘Daily’ Category
We Wear Short Shorts
Thursday, March 11th, 2010
During the month of March, all these emotions start percolating up to the surface. It’s birthday month.
If you’re anything like me, you start going through the life’s proverbial checklist around this time:
Baby? Check.
House? Check.
Successful career? Depends on what day you ask me.
Marriage? Uh, no.
Love? Still hopeful.
Travel? Not enough.
Book? Painfully slow going.
Happiness barometer? Partly sunny. Partly cloudy. Chance of rain showers.
Adventure? Do you count moving an island with a population of 10,000 an adventure? (I do.)
Number of meltdowns in the last 365 days? Less than 365. FTW!
And as if mentally checking off a list of accomplishments wasn’t taxing enough, vanity sets in and you start asking yourself the big questions like:
Shoe collection? Too many pointy shoes and high heels. Need rubber boots. And orthotics.
Style? I need a makeover. A Clinton & Stacy makeover.
Wrinkles? No more than last year! Woohoo Asian pearl cream!
Hair? To perm or not to perm?
Weight? Still heavy (pun intended) on my mind.
Usually, when I get to the point on contemplating the size of my ass, I break out the bourbon and get really deep. I take a trip down memory lane and go back. Way back. Back to the dark corner of the closet where I keep my pair of cut off jean shorts from high school. Naturally faded, ala “Nobody put’s baby in the corner” cut off shorts circa 1988. Tiny!
If I am feeling especially nostalgic, I might just attempt to put them on. I stick my feet in the leg holes and pull up the britches by the belt loops. In good years, I’ll make it all the way up to mid thigh. During the not so good years, I generally fall over trying to get them past my knees. It’s awesome. Trust me.
These shorts have meant so many things throughout the years. During my early 20’s and post baby, these shorts tortured me – LOOK AT YOURSELF, YOU CANNOT FIT IN THOSE JEANS ANYMORE. STOP EATING. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Later in my 20’s I lost so much weight that I was able to fit back into them. Of course, I never wore them anywhere outside the confines of my own home, BUT! standing in front of a mirror with those shorts on gave me a sense of vindication and accomplishment -Yes! I did it! I got back to the high school weight.
I broke those shorts out again on Saturday. You know, because I am brooding and have PMS. And I’m still back at square one with my weight struggles. Stress is my trigger and I’ve been under a lot of stress. So of course, looking at shorts 10 sizes too small is going to make me feel better. Right? Of course!
Understanding the futality of even trying them on, I instead came to the conclusion that I am probably never going to fit into them again. And that, my friends, is okay. I never want to be that insecure high school girl – the one who thought she looked fat wearing those cut off shorts. The one who wished she was skinnier at 115 pounds. It’s not a good place to go back to.
Now when I look at those shorts, I see a girl who never saw herself for who she was. The one who was always wishing for something she didn’t have. The one that didn’t accept that even during her leanest, she was beautiful and strong and healthy. And it reminds me do not waste time mulling over the flaws and start focusing on appreciating rather than criticizing.
*****
Also, some unrelated things of note:
As an aside, check out my review on the Sprint 4G Network here and enter to win a chance to win a $300 Visa card.
And, as another aside, due to the success of the campaign, Quaker has decided to increase their maximum donation Share Our Strength to $50,000! Learn more about it by checking out the new Quaker video to the right and for more information click here.
Posted in Daily | 7 Comments »
Somewhere Under A Rainbow
Friday, February 26th, 2010
I spent the whole of Wednesday buried under my covers feeling sorry for myself. Paige and I have been fighting like cats and dogs as of late, maneuvering our way through the typical mother daughter dynamics (I hate you! I love you!). I’m not exaggerating when I say that there have been some knock down drag out screaming matches and threats of boycotting each other – 4-ever!
It’s completely unrelenting.
I think what’s difficult about this whole mother-daughter dynamic is the fact that I am a motherless mother. I have been going through this whole parenting shtick without a reference point or prior experiences to draw back on. Nothing in my childhood resembles what I am going through right now and it’s hard, so hard, to imagine that we’ll walk away from the battlefield stronger and more resilient. It seems inconceivable in this moment.
Maybe the problem is this perception that I have had ever since I was a child. Sans mother, I ended up piecing together every Disney movie and after school special I ever saw and thought – “THAT is what a mother is supposed to be like.” I achingly longed to have a mother in my life and as time passed and Paige was born, I actually longed to be that Disney version of a mother.
Inevitably I ended up piecing together something wholly unrealistic. My expectations of mother became an amalgamation of Caroline Ingalls, Martha Stewart and a little bit of my sassy 5th Grade teacher, Mrs. Christensen. Suffice to say, being a mother is nothing like that. It’s harder and the days never end in sing a longs of “Old Dan Tucker” with Pa strumming on the fiddle next to the fireplace. At least not at our house.
Admittedly, I really don’t know what I would have missed had my mother lived. I could have just as easily been wrapped up in all kinds of heartache because of her mental illness. Who knows. But the void is there nonetheless and there are times, even as an adult, when I feel like I need a mother to curl up into when I’m feeling defeated. Wednesday was one of those days.
But it’s okay. Instead of working through the sadness, I allowed myself the space to feel blue for the day. I closed my eyes and wished I had something different going on in my life. I lamented about the things were not easy. And I sat there just for a second, indulging in how sorry I felt for myself.
And then I realized I don’t really feel sorry for myself. I feel blessed.
The next morning, I dusted myself off and pressed the rewind button. Though life isn’t easy, I do feel as though my life is full of sweetness and goodness and love. Love from my daughter. Love from my friends. Love from my family. Self love.
Pity party is over and I am back at it again. And as I headed into Seattle on the water taxi this morning, I realized that life is beautiful.
Posted in Daily | 25 Comments »
A Little Glimpse of Hope
Thursday, February 11th, 2010
There’s a certain point when you realize that everything there is left to do as a parent is pretty much small potatoes compared to all the work between zero and 12. Gone are the days when the definition of Mom meant “center of the universe.” Gone are the days when going to bed without snuggling seemed sacrilegious. You realize that window of opportunity for imparting your great nuggets of wisdom has mostly passed and that your job now is relegated to chauffeur and chef. And that’s if you are lucky.
Lately, I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that parenting a teen means: “Be seen, but not heard.” In fact, it’s more like, “Don’t be seen and DEFINITELY don’t say anything – LIKE, EVER.” Your teen no longer wants to listen to what you have to say. She now realizes that you don’t know everything. And in fact, you know that she knows that you don’t know everything. That answer you give about “unicorn dust creating the color of sky” was never a good explanation in the first place and someone who knows everything should, hypothetically, know the quadratic equation and it’s relevance in everyday life. Right?
So the jig is up. Let the panicking commence. During the teen years ask yourself things like, “Did I get it all in? Did I teach her all that I wanted to?” And then you realize that you didn’t get it all in. Despite your better judgment, you start to double down and try and cram even more life lessons in before the age of 18. You trick yourself into thinking your relationship is a plot to a Mitch Albom book. You’re so desperate to get some confirmation – some glimmer of hope – ANYTHING – that indicates that the center of your kid’s world is not a pair of Citizen for Humanity jeans that you start to obsess. smother. cling.
It’s not pretty.
And then once in a while, the Gods answer your prayers. You get a sign that you did okay and that your kid is actually pretty spectacular. In fact, it doesn’t really matter that she leaves empty bottles of shampoo, milk, juice, toothpaste, [fill in blank] everywhere, you’ve raised someone who is thoughtful. And creative. And a genius. FTW!
I had one of those moments recently when I made Paige create a “vision board” as Part 25 of her punishment for getting drunk on New Year’s Eve with her friends. I figured that she needed something personal to keep her eye on the prize and stay out of the worst of troubles (obviously, a potentially ‘off the sha-hizzle’ mother was not motivation enough).
Me: As part of your punishment, I am going to have you make a vision board. Do you know what that is?
Paige: Mom, you are *not* Oprah.
Me: You need to have a tangible reminder of what’s inspires you.
Paige: Can I get off of groundation earlier if I make one?
Me: You will not be off groundation until you make one.
Paige: Fine. But this is ridiculous.
Me: Fine.
Paige: That poster board is waaayy too big. How am I going to fill it all up?
Me: You’ll figure it out. I promise.
Paige: UUGGGHHH!!
After three (THREE!) laborious days, she made this:
It was fascinating to see how carefully Paige chose each quote and picture. She put thought into every detail and I couldn’t have asked for a more diligent creative process. She used this quote that she found (and pasted top center) as her guide:
“What kind of future do I envision for myself? What kind of “self” am I trying to develop? What do I want to accomplish in my life? The thing is to paint this vision of your life in your heart as specifically as possible. That “painting” itself becomes the design of your future. The power of the heart enables us to actually create with our lives a wonderful masterpiece in accordance with that design.”
How sweet is that?
Plus, I especially like how she has Taylor Lautner and Buddha right next to each other. You know, cause in her world they are both heavenly beings.
If you want to see a close up of her vision board, click here.
Posted in Daily, Parenting | 31 Comments »
