Archive for the ‘Midthirties Crisis’ Category
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Thursday, May 7th, 2009
Last Saturday, Seattle was graced with the most blustery weather ever. So blustery was it, that the rain and wind was coming at you from the side, not from above. Typically when this happens, most Seattleites sit and brood over the fact that the sun is shining in other parts of the world. We do things like go on Expedia.com and price out fantasy vacations to exotic and sunny locations … just in the name of getting our minds out of the doldrums. What other option do we have?
Since leaving the house was out of the question, and doing something productive was DEFINITELY OUT OF THE QUESTION – I flitted away my late afternoon by completing a 100 Things About Me list.
Yeah. Yeah. Remember? I really do believe my own hype …
100 (Random) Things About Me
- Most people that I know in real life think I have things together, but in reality I am on a journey just like everyone else.
- I spend most days trying to figure out how not to fuck up my kid.
- Kids and cats generally like me. I often call this a “misplaced gift” from God.
- Large crowds of people kinda freak me out. I do really well when I am one-on-one or in a small group.
- I have been told that I have a talent for making people feel special and important. I used to use that talent for evil. Now I use that talent for good.
- When I was in elementary school I used to wear a clothespin on my nose, like Amy March from Little Women, in hopes that my nose wouldn’t look so flat.
- As a kid, I would lie compulsively about everything.
- As an adult, I am compulsively honest … to a fault.
- I change my mind about things ALL OF THE TIME. Therefore, I contradict myself ALL OF THE TIME. This oftentimes is mistaken for lying. Sadly, it’s just a sign of my indecisiveness.
- Marriage is not important to me. But then again, I have never been married, so what do I know?
- Love is really important to me.
- I am a commie homo loving son of a gun. I believe that the gays should be equally unhappy in marriage – just like the rest of us.
- I am a news junkie.
- My perfect mate would be a combination of Ira Glass, Anthony Bourdain and Bill Clinton with a little Johnny Depp thrown in there for good measure. Is that weird?
- I often laugh out loud to myself. While I am alone. It’s actually kind of maniacal.
- I had a stint where I wanted to be a Christian. But I just didn’t do well with the rules.
- I am a sucker for a good story. I find people incredibly fascinating.
- Every good friend I’ve ever had, has eventually moved away from me. It’s really quite sad.
- I am obsessed with cleaning my ears. I literally go through 1,000s of Qtips a year.
- My favorite shows growing up were (a) New Yankee Workshop, (b) This Old House and (c) Victory Garden and (d) Great Chefs. The nerd gene started early.
- I love dogs. I can’t ever get one because they require too much commitment.
- I don’t like cats. But I can still appreciate their cuteness.
- I was diagnosed with ADD once. I used to think that it was a joke … now I am starting to think it is real.
- I have been prescribed Paxil, Zoloft, Sam-E, Wellbutrin and Ritalin. I never filled the last two prescriptions because I was too anxious about the side effects. I tried the prior three multiple times with varying degrees of success.
- I was misdiagnosed with Rhematoid Arthritis. That was a whole lot of shitty.
- People think I am a tough cookie, but just yesterday I teared up to a movie trailer.
- When I was in middle school I wanted to be (a) corporate attorney, (b) advertising agent, (c) international policy maker or (d) politician.
- When I was in high school I wanted to be a (a) graphic artist, (b) journalist/writer, (c) environmental attorney and (d) architect.
- Now I just want to be a writer. In fact, I am a writer. But I want to be a successful writer. Someone who makes a living off of it.
- When I fall in love, I hurl myself into it without caring where I land. I’ve never regretted it.
- I can almost say the same with sex – except I am a bit more discriminating with love and have regretted some of the sex. (more…)
Posted in Daily, Midthirties Crisis | 29 Comments »
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
Sometimes I think that I am missing an “emotional” chip. I rarely cry about things that people natural cry about – like death or being hurt or even being in physical pain. However, I once cried watching an episode of Who’s the Boss. And not because Tony Danza is such a bad actor or because the thought of Angela Bower and Tony “the housekeeper” Micelli doing “it” brings me to tears. It was a sad episode – OKAY?
I also cry every time I watch The Notebook – I know, so embarrassing and cliche. I’m the type of person who acts like she only watches stuff like Revolutionary Road, but really I have a lot of guilty pleasures like Perez Hilton and Britney Spears. I fully admit that I was a complete mess when I saw that part when Allie goes ballastic on Duke because she doesn’t recognize him anymore. It just tears me apart and I can hardly stand it watching it (over and over again) because my face contorts into the ugly cry.
I bring this up because I haven’t yet cried about my Uncle’s passing. I think that is totally messed up. I wish I could at least weep a little, but the more you try and cry, the more impossible it becomes. And even worse, I am completely going to miss my Uncle’s funeral. It’s today. I have an irrational fear of funerals which keeps me from even entertaining the thought of going. I feel like a cad.
You see, I have never been to a funeral in my whole life. Not a single one. Not even my own Mother’s funeral (I had no choice in the matter). I think that not being able to go to hers has just about ruined for all the other people who have passed away in my life. I know that if I went to a funeral I would probably have a mental breakdown. I know that if I went to one, all I would be thinking about is how I never got to properly say goodbye to my Mom and that still to this day do not know where she rests. A funeral would make that fact all the more tangible for me and it’s hard to reconcile it in my head.
So today, I’m going light a candle and say a little prayer for my Uncle Noel in the silence of the morning. We’ll have a conversation and I’ll say goodbye in the way that I know how. And I’ll hope to God he hears me, because he really will be missed.
Tags: noel henderson
Posted in Daily, Midthirties Crisis | 22 Comments »
Friday, January 23rd, 2009
I woke up this morning sort of in a panic because I realized that if I don’t start kicking things into gear, I might just fall apart financially. Sadly, I am not independently rich and the U.S. economy is going to shit so it’s hard to find consulting work. And while I can probably start beating myself up over not utilizing these past couple of months more efficiently – I’m not going to. I am happy for the first time in the long time and it’s made all the difference in the world to me.
But (and it’s a big but), as much as I would like to think, happiness just doesn’t pay the bills. And I very much doubt that I could sustain “being happy” while not being able to afford that cute pair of shoes I have been coveting. Just being realistic here.
So now, my brain has shifted gears – from daydreaming about what I want to do, to putting into action all those things that I want to get done. Let us not have all this risk I am taking be for nothing. I intend to have it all. And instead of working hard at doing something I don’t like. I am going to work harder doing something I love.
This may mean making some sacrifices like starting to give up my slow mornings drinking rooibos tea and reading the New York Times and CNN online.
Oh just saying it (writing it?) out loud sounds so heartbreaking. I looovvveee my slow mornings.
And I’ve found that spending so much time alone writing has actually started making me talk to myself. I think I do it just to make sure that I have an “actual” voice rather than the interior monologue that keeps yammering all day long. It’s nuts. I am almost tempted to get a part time job just so I can be around new people. Maybe then I’ll stop believing that the mail carrier is a good person to talk to or that working from a coffee shop constitutes social interaction.
Oh, this situation is now sounding grave.
Tags: finding happiness, happiness, work
Posted in Daily, Midthirties Crisis | 9 Comments »
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