Off The Tracks

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

For someone who has battled with weight issues all of her life, it’s always a sobering day when you realize that you’ve fallen off the wagon.

I have fallen off the wagon. I am off the tracks. Derailed. I know you know what I mean.

I started out this journey at 192 pounds and managed to get 1 pound shy of 170. This morning’s scale says 179. If you haven’t noticed, this is not heading in the right direction.

As a writer with a slightly elevated online presence, I tend to get a lot of emails from people that are trying to get me to promote their wares. As a general rule, I tend to shy away from product promotion with a few exceptions. (There is no self-righteous indignation in my decision-making of what gets selected and what doesn’t … I just go with a gut feeling and then shake my Magic 8 Ball.)

I bring this up because recently I received an email from a representative for a pharmaceutical company offering to “answer any questions” about the new obesity pill headed for FDA approval. Apparently the trials have been shown to be effective, with an average 17 lbs. weight loss per participant.

Who knows exactly what the intention was, but I have a hunch. Suffice to say, I found myself getting really excited about it. Like somehow the pill fairy was going to rain down TicTac flavored diet pills like Manna and magically make me drop 20 lbs in a hurry. I found myself fighting the urge to say, “MY QUESTION IS HOW DO I GET SOME BEFORE FDA APPROVAL??”

But then I stopped myself.

Everything I’ve learned through this journey is that the excess weight is not about the weight at all. For me, it’s about something more insideous like self-esteem issues or depression or the fact that I have boughts of insomnia that often derail my efforts to do things normally. Weight loss (for me) is about a lot of things that have nothing to do with calories in/calories out.  There aren’t any pills that are going to help me with those things. I’ve tried them. They don’t work for me (but they could/do work for other people).

So where does this leave me?

Exactly where I was at the beginning of the year … trying to lose weight by leaning into lifestyle changes. It’s not a race. It’s a marathon.

And with most things in my life, a very, very slow moving one.

PS. Photo update on the way.

Posted in Daily, Weight Loss, Weight Updates | 16 Comments »

I Am The Decider

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

I have totally been PMS-ing. Okay, I know “syndrom-ing” is not really a word, but then again – this is my blog and I am the decider. So it’s now official -  here at Bacon Is My Enemy “PMS-ing” is a most reasonable word to use to describe the state that I am in right now.

“Grrrrr” works too.

But, back on topic: I AM SOOO P-M-S-ING.

Over the last three days I have had intense cravings for things like bread and chocolate. Not necessarily together, but at this point I would absolutely feel justified in saying that toast and nutella fit snugly between fruits and vegetables on the food pyramid. Right next to chocolate croissants? RIGHT?? You with me?

Oh bother. Who am I trying to kid? I feel fat and bloated. Don’t worry, this is not a pity party “I feel so fat and bloated” comment. Rather, I quite literally FEEL fat and bloated. My feet are swollen like I am 9 months pregnant and my fingers feel like plumped up Jimmy Dean sausage links. Like right now? I feel like I am typing with fingers that have no joints. Just try typing without bending your fingers, it’s really hard. Go ahead. TYPE LIKE YOU CANT BEND YOUR FINGERS AND YOU’LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. See? I have to suffer through all-CAPS because it’s easier to just type like you are barreling through a sentence.

I know, we all have those days or string of days. For me? I actually broke down and had a bowl of spaghetti and some garlic toast. And some chocolate mousse with some white chocolate shavings. And  you know what? It was delicious. It really was. But now I feel like complete shit. Not mentally, but physically. I feel all sorts of messed up. Like I am coming down off of crack. Not that I would know what the downside of a crack high is like, but I am the decider, so I decide what euphemisms I am going to use.

Anyway, I don’t feel guilty about going AWOL on the diet. But man oh man. I feel like crap. I think I mentioned, I’ve been on a (mostly) Gluten-Free diet as of late. I do not have a wheat allergy or celiac or anything like that, it’s just something I wanted to try as part of my “I’m going to be healthy and lose weight schtick.” As a result, over the past few weeks I have never felt better in my life. Limiting the dairy, sugar and bread has really stabilized my blood sugar levels and all those gastrointestinal side effects of eating those types of foods? Gone. Really. Ask Paige.

So that spaghetti and chocolate mousse I had? Well I definitely “felt” my blood sugar spike and then crash. I don’t think I noticed how eating those foods effected me before because I have never taken a protracted break from them. It’s like I hit the reset button on my body and now I am really getting to know how foods make my body feel.

So did I lose weight this week?

Uh no.

In fact, I was a gainer. Like 3 lbs. I know.

Which means that I am back up to 174 lbs. Very, very frustrating. It is fretful but I am reminded of how much I need to push myself further. And how I really shouldn’t eat spaghetti and garlic bread right before I weigh myself. And that water is not always a friend. Just ask my sausage fingers.

PS. No photo update. My trusty camera has finally died. I have had my G6 for about 6 years or so. I’ve dropped it more times than I would like to admit. People make fun of it all of the time because it is so big and clunky. But whatever. It was a good girl.

But here’s a little diddy from 1996:

Yes those are blond streaks. I am the decider. Sometimes the decider of bad hair decisions.

Posted in Daily, Weight Loss, Weight Updates | 13 Comments »