Okay, maybe he didn’t say that EXACTLY, but the net affect was the same. It jolted me into WTF mode. Like WTF am I doing? Or WhereTF do I want to go? And good Lord, my britches are tight again and that I haven’t weighed myself nor gone to the gym in AGES. At this juncture, I know that this is a problem of the soul, but it’s showing up on my ass.

Looking back over this past year, I realize that I can make every excuse in the book – my aunt & uncle died, my house went to shit, I got depressed, I moved, got a job, etc. etc. etc. But the truth of the matter is that I did it again – I put myself last on the list. All the promises of earlier in the year kind of went sideways. I didn’t keep the momentum going. I lost 20 pounds and I gained 10 back. In fact, I gained 10 lbs back in the last 2 months. I weighed myself this morning and the scale said something like one-hundred and eighmm-harrumph-haraumph. Okay – 184. But in my defense, I was holding a coconut cream pie while on the scale. Seriously, I think that muffin top is really made out of coconut cream pie.

So, ummm, yeah. What now?

Well, the old Giyen might have said something like, “Oh God. Well, lets take the pressure off and wait till New Year’s to start dieting again. It’s 2 weeks from now and visions of sugar plums are within my grasp, goddammit. Let the holiday feasting begin!”

But that old Giyen is dead. I am really, really tired of being overweight and tired of this conversation. I am going to start up again today. No time like the present to commit to making a change for the better. If I slip up, then so be it. I know that there will be the Tony’s of the world to give me a gentle nudging to get me back on track.

Thanks, man.

PS. If you want to be inspired, check out Tony’s weight loss story here.

It’s not that the “be grateful for what you have” attitude is bad. It’s not bad at all. It’s just not for me. I don’t want to have to drink lemonade because all I have is lemons. If I want a margarita, I am not going to be satisfied with lemonade. Don’t get me wrong. I may appreciate the lemonade. I may even be thankful for it. But I’m not going to be satisfied with it. It’s not in my DNA to be satisfied with things that I don’t want.

This past week and a half has been replete with setbacks. Lemons. The kind of stuff that makes you want to dig your head in the sand. I have been running late everyday because I’ve been having trouble falling asleep every night. I HATE RUNNING LATE. I HATE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.

The server at work went down for 3 days. That would have been fine except there were 50 people breathing down my neck because I am in charge of the server. I DON’T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE SERVER.

On Sunday I was unbearable. I got into a fight with Paige and then yelled at the neighbor for having his stereo so loud that he couldn’t hear me when I knocked on the door. I was a complete asshole. I HATE BEING AN ASSHOLE.

On Monday, my car stopped working. It just didn’t start. It gave up on me. Then I called the Volvo Roadside Assistance people who will tow your car for free … only if it’s to the local dealership. Well I don’t go to the local dealership. I go to my guy Warren, who owns Larry’s Volvo. HE’S MY GUY, not the dealership.

So after taking a few moments last night bemoaning the prior week’s misfortunes, I came to the realization that these lemons were trying to tell me something. I AM OFF COURSE.

But I knew that already. We all do in some way or another.

When you get handed a bag full of lemons when you really want a margarita, it’s the universe telling you that you need to start doing something differently. And it has been my experience that I won’t get to enjoy that margarita until I am back on course with my life’s purpose.

Sadly, sometimes getting back on course is like turning the Titanic.

But I really want that margarita.

I am doing my first BlogHer review. I don’t typically do reviews on products unless (a) I think that it will somehow benefit my readership (THAT’S YOU) and/or (b) it is a product that I really do think is worthwhile.

In this case, I did a review on the new Acer Timeline Series Laptop. I really believe that computers should be made for the masses (i.e. affordable) and Acer is a company that works really hard at being accessible at a range of price points.  We’ve had ours for a couple of weeks with nary a problem at all.

As part of the review, I get to give a laptop away to one lucky devil. Check out the review and contest guidelines here.

Woot!

Okay, on to the news at hand.

I wish I could say that I’ve been really diligent about going to the gym, but I haven’t been at all. It’s been so hot here that finding the motivation to get EVEN MORE sweaty seems pretty ludicrous. Instead, I’ve really been trying to watch what I eat … staying away from the things that may have gluten in them. There have been mess-ups for sure, but for the most part two or three meals of indulgence does not mean a setback. In means that I am leading a real life.

I know I said that I would post a “progress picture” last week, but I really couldn’t get a decent picture of myself because (a) I don’t know how to use the timer function on my new camera and (b) I really need to invest in a tripod. Instead, here is a picture of my latest weigh-in:

You can imagine my sigh of relief knowing that I am down 2 lbs. from last week. Nothing increases your motivation like things trending in the right direction.

This week’s goal? Getting back into the gym routine.

I have fallen off the wagon. I am off the tracks. Derailed. I know you know what I mean.

I started out this journey at 192 pounds and managed to get 1 pound shy of 170. This morning’s scale says 179. If you haven’t noticed, this is not heading in the right direction.

As a writer with a slightly elevated online presence, I tend to get a lot of emails from people that are trying to get me to promote their wares. As a general rule, I tend to shy away from product promotion with a few exceptions. (There is no self-righteous indignation in my decision-making of what gets selected and what doesn’t … I just go with a gut feeling and then shake my Magic 8 Ball.)

I bring this up because recently I received an email from a representative for a pharmaceutical company offering to “answer any questions” about the new obesity pill headed for FDA approval. Apparently the trials have been shown to be effective, with an average 17 lbs. weight loss per participant.

Who knows exactly what the intention was, but I have a hunch. Suffice to say, I found myself getting really excited about it. Like somehow the pill fairy was going to rain down TicTac flavored diet pills like Manna and magically make me drop 20 lbs in a hurry. I found myself fighting the urge to say, “MY QUESTION IS HOW DO I GET SOME BEFORE FDA APPROVAL??”

But then I stopped myself.

Everything I’ve learned through this journey is that the excess weight is not about the weight at all. For me, it’s about something more insideous like self-esteem issues or depression or the fact that I have boughts of insomnia that often derail my efforts to do things normally. Weight loss (for me) is about a lot of things that have nothing to do with calories in/calories out.  There aren’t any pills that are going to help me with those things. I’ve tried them. They don’t work for me (but they could/do work for other people).

So where does this leave me?

Exactly where I was at the beginning of the year … trying to lose weight by leaning into lifestyle changes. It’s not a race. It’s a marathon.

And with most things in my life, a very, very slow moving one.

PS. Photo update on the way.

“Grrrrr” works too.

But, back on topic: I AM SOOO P-M-S-ING.

Over the last three days I have had intense cravings for things like bread and chocolate. Not necessarily together, but at this point I would absolutely feel justified in saying that toast and nutella fit snugly between fruits and vegetables on the food pyramid. Right next to chocolate croissants? RIGHT?? You with me?

Oh bother. Who am I trying to kid? I feel fat and bloated. Don’t worry, this is not a pity party “I feel so fat and bloated” comment. Rather, I quite literally FEEL fat and bloated. My feet are swollen like I am 9 months pregnant and my fingers feel like plumped up Jimmy Dean sausage links. Like right now? I feel like I am typing with fingers that have no joints. Just try typing without bending your fingers, it’s really hard. Go ahead. TYPE LIKE YOU CANT BEND YOUR FINGERS AND YOU’LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. See? I have to suffer through all-CAPS because it’s easier to just type like you are barreling through a sentence.

I know, we all have those days or string of days. For me? I actually broke down and had a bowl of spaghetti and some garlic toast. And some chocolate mousse with some white chocolate shavings. And  you know what? It was delicious. It really was. But now I feel like complete shit. Not mentally, but physically. I feel all sorts of messed up. Like I am coming down off of crack. Not that I would know what the downside of a crack high is like, but I am the decider, so I decide what euphemisms I am going to use.

Anyway, I don’t feel guilty about going AWOL on the diet. But man oh man. I feel like crap. I think I mentioned, I’ve been on a (mostly) Gluten-Free diet as of late. I do not have a wheat allergy or celiac or anything like that, it’s just something I wanted to try as part of my “I’m going to be healthy and lose weight schtick.” As a result, over the past few weeks I have never felt better in my life. Limiting the dairy, sugar and bread has really stabilized my blood sugar levels and all those gastrointestinal side effects of eating those types of foods? Gone. Really. Ask Paige.

So that spaghetti and chocolate mousse I had? Well I definitely “felt” my blood sugar spike and then crash. I don’t think I noticed how eating those foods effected me before because I have never taken a protracted break from them. It’s like I hit the reset button on my body and now I am really getting to know how foods make my body feel.

So did I lose weight this week?

Uh no.

In fact, I was a gainer. Like 3 lbs. I know.

Which means that I am back up to 174 lbs. Very, very frustrating. It is fretful but I am reminded of how much I need to push myself further. And how I really shouldn’t eat spaghetti and garlic bread right before I weigh myself. And that water is not always a friend. Just ask my sausage fingers.

PS. No photo update. My trusty camera has finally died. I have had my G6 for about 6 years or so. I’ve dropped it more times than I would like to admit. People make fun of it all of the time because it is so big and clunky. But whatever. It was a good girl.

But here’s a little diddy from 1996:

Yes those are blond streaks. I am the decider. Sometimes the decider of bad hair decisions.