“MMOOOOMMMM!!!!”

You would have thought that I had committed some sort of crime in front of her. And perhaps I did [in her mind]. For a few seconds before covering her eyes, she saw the side profile of my lower half sans clothing, while on the toilet. Apparently, that’s enough to scar a teenager.

I got to thinking about that moment and why she was so freaked out about it and it donned on me … I WAS NEVER NAKED AROUND HER. EVER. I chalk it up to (a) being raised in a conservative Asian family (primarily by a single father) and (b) weird body/self-esteem issues but I never want to be seen in shorts, let alone nekkid. It’s just the way things were.

Nowadays, I am becoming much more self confident about the way my body looks. Not much as changed physically, just my attitude. And in some respects, I haven’t had a choice. It has been effing hot up here and I’ve had to just face the fact that pants are not an option when it is 103 degrees outside. I am walking around the house wearing as little as possible out of utility and it’s really helped me to be more comfortable with being exposed altogether. Thanks mother nature for roasting the hell out of us Seattleites.

And Paige, get used to seeing the wobbly bits. Love, Mom.

This week’s topic – Naked Mommy Confessions

PS. Maggie Mason is just adorable.

Okay, in the latest Momversation video Daphne from Cool Mom asks, “Is Your Mom-self Overtaking Your Sexual-self?”

My answer?

YES.

YES.

YES.

First of all … there’s a lot edited out of each video. There’s probably 30 minutes of footage that gets left on the production floor – never to see the light of day. Just so you know (a.k.a. damage control), Daphne mentioned that she had a single-mom friend who hasn’t had sex in 4 years offline. I retorted, “I am that single mother who hasn’t had sex in 4 years!” So I wasn’t quite having a random outburst about my sex life … there was actually some dialog about it that got edited out.

THAT SAID. It has been a long time. Maybe not 4 years, but a long, long time. And it’s true. I do feel like that sexy part of me is lost. And sometimes I feel completely pathetic about it. And not even pointy shoes can fill the void of actually feeling sexy because you are having sex. It’s awfully lonely sometimes.

Then again, these days I am a bit less cavalier about having sex. You could almost say that I am re-virginized like a born-again Christian or a Jonas Brother who is abstaining from sex because of their values. Maybe I should get one of those purity rings. Oh God. Please strike me down right now.

The truth is is that I just can’t find a partner. I am not meeting anyone that I am interested in having dinner with so I really can’t imagine finding someone that I want to get all sweaty and moany with. And honestly, having casual sex at age 35 doesn’t quite seem like who I am anymore. And I have nothing against casual sex. I was one of those people who had a lot of sex and then bragged about it to other people. If I was a SATC personality, I would have described myself to be a Samantha back in the day. Really. I swear to God. But clearly I have now morphed into a Charlotte (minus the religion) – it’s all about hope and love and happy endings.

Or maybe I’ve had all the sex one is supposed to have in their lifetime and therefore I have used up all of my credits in my twenties and early thirties. Good lord. I’ve used up my quota. That just can’t be right.

I just keep thinking that I am going to meet the guy who is going to blow my mind up and then it will be a done deal. That I won’t have to go through the bad date phase or the messiness. I’ve done that. If I have used up all my quota for sex, then I’ve also managed to use up my “bad date” quota too.

My plan now?

Meet guy. Live happily ever after. The end.

Something tells me it’s not quite going to be that easy.

Ugh. Shall we let the litany of bad date stories begin?

As if I wasn’t self-conscious enough.

Since you and I can’t sit and sip on a bottle of bourbon and chat all day about this, here’s the short version answer to that question:

My father has been married four times. FOUR TIMES. How can that not mess you up?

Of the four marriages, wife #2 was by far the worst. I can unapologetically say that being around her was worse than being around my own mother, who was a paranoid schizophrenic. If that ain’t saying something, then I don’t know what else does.

To sum it all up – wife # 2 was incredibly abusive, both verbally and physically. I can trace most of my neurosis as an adult from the seven years that she spent casting an ominous cloud over me. That woman completely terrorized me in a “Mommy Dearest” kind of way (“NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!”).  And to make matters worse, she treated my older sister like she was her pet. I, on the other hand, was called “dae-jee” (or “piggy” in Korean) and was ridiculed for being less than perfect. When my father and she finally got a divorce, I was doing a little happy dance inside. I was just so relieved to not walk on eggshells all the time or be yelled at for things like not folding the laundry correctly. It was a complete relief to me, but my sister was completely devastated.

After living through 3 divorces as a child and watching a zillion fights – my views relationships are completely skewed. As a result, I’ve had three major relationships in my life and none of them panned out. I did the best that I could with the dysfunctional toolbox that I had, but I really think my past relationships have been a diversion to avoid dealing with who I was. I fell into a trap that was hard to climb out of.

Nowadays, I think I have moved passed all that. I am a champion for love. I don’t necessarily believe that marriage is important, but love – love is something that I would go to the mat for. I give all the credit to Heather, Rebecca and Daphne for making their marriages work. From my experience, it’s not easy to maintain a relationship for the long haul. And as for Mindy, I think sometimes it’s harder to walk away … and choose happiness and self preservation.

When giving relationship advice, I always tell people to choose happiness. If you are happier together, even though things are sometimes bad, then it’s worth holding out for the times when things are good. If you spend your days fantasizing about being solo (I did this alot) then get out – get out fast.

And for goodness sakes, be gentle with your kids. They are no reason to “stay together” but there’s no good reason to tear them up while your relationship is falling apart.

PS. Check out the comment section of this Momversation episode. These ladies have a lot to say on the topic of divorce and are quite frank about their own experiences. I think it’s great to hear the whole spectrum of stories.

I started doing drugs when I was 14 years old (the same age that Paige is right now). I remember the first time distinctly. I was in the bathroom of an all ages dance club and this half-Japanese girl named Karla opened up a piece of tin foil, split the contents and instructed me to swallow. I didn’t even ask what it was and it didn’t even occur to me to say “no.”

Karla was 19 and already out of school. She had a karman ghia. She was the epitome of cool to me. I wasn’t about to loose face that night and let on that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. But really, I had no fucking clue what I was doing. When I look back retrospectively, I now think, “What the hell was a 19 year old hanging out with a 14 year old for?” It was so messed up. And all sorts of trouble ensued.

In this week’s Momversation episode, I ask the question: “Should you tell your kids about past drug use?” Daphne Brogdon of Cool Mom and Momversation guest Kierna Mayo from Cafe Mom chime in to give me some advice:

And if you’re wondering, it was mushrooms. And it blew my mind up.