In this episode of Momversation, Mindy Roberts from The Mommy Blog asks the question, “How has divorce effected you?”
Since you and I can’t sit and sip on a bottle of bourbon and chat all day about this, here’s the short version answer to that question:
My father has been married four times. FOUR TIMES. How can that not mess you up?
Of the four marriages, wife #2 was by far the worst. I can unapologetically say that being around her was worse than being around my own mother, who was a paranoid schizophrenic. If that ain’t saying something, then I don’t know what else does.
To sum it all up – wife # 2 was incredibly abusive, both verbally and physically. I can trace most of my neurosis as an adult from the seven years that she spent casting an ominous cloud over me. That woman completely terrorized me in a “Mommy Dearest” kind of way (“NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!”). And to make matters worse, she treated my older sister like she was her pet. I, on the other hand, was called “dae-jee” (or “piggy” in Korean) and was ridiculed for being less than perfect. When my father and she finally got a divorce, I was doing a little happy dance inside. I was just so relieved to not walk on eggshells all the time or be yelled at for things like not folding the laundry correctly. It was a complete relief to me, but my sister was completely devastated.
After living through 3 divorces as a child and watching a zillion fights – my views relationships are completely skewed. As a result, I’ve had three major relationships in my life and none of them panned out. I did the best that I could with the dysfunctional toolbox that I had, but I really think my past relationships have been a diversion to avoid dealing with who I was. I fell into a trap that was hard to climb out of.
Nowadays, I think I have moved passed all that. I am a champion for love. I don’t necessarily believe that marriage is important, but love – love is something that I would go to the mat for. I give all the credit to Heather, Rebecca and Daphne for making their marriages work. From my experience, it’s not easy to maintain a relationship for the long haul. And as for Mindy, I think sometimes it’s harder to walk away … and choose happiness and self preservation.
When giving relationship advice, I always tell people to choose happiness. If you are happier together, even though things are sometimes bad, then it’s worth holding out for the times when things are good. If you spend your days fantasizing about being solo (I did this alot) then get out – get out fast.
And for goodness sakes, be gentle with your kids. They are no reason to “stay together” but there’s no good reason to tear them up while your relationship is falling apart.
PS. Check out the comment section of this Momversation episode. These ladies have a lot to say on the topic of divorce and are quite frank about their own experiences. I think it’s great to hear the whole spectrum of stories.
As a kid, dinner consisted of three kids sitting around table with only the sound of clinking of chopsticks and spoons against our Corelle dishes to break the silence. Honestly, I can’t remember a single conversation over dinner that was noteworthy, but then again, I tend not to dredge up the past very often. I definitely think that dinnertime at our house was a caricature of what a stereotypical Asian dinner looked like. Kids were seen, but not heard. And much of the conversation was in Korean and, sadly, I don’t speak Korean.
As a teen, it was just my father and I. Stepmother #1 was long gone, my father had started dating and my brother and sister had moved out of the house. I spent a lot of dinners reheating leftovers and eating alone. To this day, I can’t believe I am still fond of spaghetti and burritos.
Nowadays, I am not so insistent about sitting around the dinner table. Paige and I eat at the table about 60% of the time. Sometimes we zone out and watch a movie while we eat. Sometimes I am working late and Paige makes something for herself and eats alone. Sometimes we go out and have someone else cook for us for a change. It’s a total crapshoot. A mixed bag. But it works for just the two of us and I don’t think we would be any closer if we sat around the table every single night while we ate our spaghetti and burritos. It’s inconsequential for us.
So do I think that eating together is sacred? Sure it is. But I also think there are plenty of other ways to be “present” with your kids. In the car, at night when you are snuggling or over an ice cream cone – just listen and you’ll be surprised where the conversation takes you.
Here’s what Heather Armstrong from Dooce, Mindy Roberts from The Mommy Blog and I have to say about eating together as a family:
PS. Thanks for your patience and well wishes. I will get back into regularly posting when my head is on straight. The last three weeks have kicked my ass.
I’ve gotten a lot of questions about whether or not I make a living from freelance writing.
The answer is: No, not yet. From time to time, I do some consulting and I am whittling down my savings in order to change my life and be happy. Don’t try this at home. It’s scary and often times I worry about how I am going to pay the mortgage. I waited till I had a mental break down so I couldn’t work anymore. Do not push yourself to this point. There’s a lot of crying and self-help books and Oprah episodes involved.
Aside from losing weight, I have aspirations about making a living blogging and I am writing a memoir about my dysfunctional childhood. Uh … dysfunctional adulthood. Okay, I am writing a book because I can’t afford a therapist. It has taken a lot of years to realize that at some point you just need to say, fuck it and just live your life already. (more…)
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, BlueHost, Freshbooks and OpenSky may take you a purchase page of a company where I am a member of an affiliate program. As a result, I will often get a small percentage of the revenue or a commission off of something you have purchased. I am not otherwise paid to link to these sites, nor do I link to any products that I don't actually use or covet in real life. On the rare occasion I accept payment to review a product, it will be duly noted in its associated post.
