At the beginning of each year I write down an enormous list of New Year’s resolutions that is so beastly that I get depressed at the end of the year when I only cross out the two or three things that I actually accomplished. This year, I think I am going to take Nataly Kogan’s advice and start making my “resolutions” more positive, manageable and realistic. Nataly used to be a resolution list maker like me, but is now reformed and has stopped:
“Trying to fix something that I am pretty sure is not fixable … I am fairly certain that I will never have a flat stomach so after 33 years of life I’ve stopped making this a goal.”
At the end of each year Nataly also takes an inventory of things that she is thankful for or feels proud about. I think this is a fine plan. Here’s my go at it.
28 Things In 2008
Made a resolution to change.
Started earning more than I ever have in my entire life.
Quit that job because it made me terribly unhappy.
Took some time off.
Began a journey of self-discovery that didn’t involve religion, a guru or psychedelic drugs.
Survived the emotional spin cycle from a suicide attempt of a person who is close to our family.
Took a job because I was scared about the future but then quit that job in less than 90 days because I realized that ordinary is no longer palatable.
Stopped feeling bad or guilty about making mistakes.
Got diagnosed with hypertension and prescribed medication for it. Told the doctor that I would rather make lifestyle changes before taking pharmaceuticals. Actually started making those lifestyle changes.
Took some more time off.
Started blogging because I needed a creative outlet. Kept blogging because I love it.
Pleasantly surprised when people started reading my blog. As of this moment I’ve had 4,645 unique visitors, 6,489 visits and 11,983 pageviews since October 3rd. Woohoo!
Started saying “yes” to people, situations, things, experiences.
Learned how to communicate better with my daughter.
Cried with my daughter when we saw our President get elected.
Protested Proposition 8 along side my kid.
Took a picture of myself and tried looking at it without being critical of all the flaws.
Took more pictures of myself and now feel somewhat endeared to seeing the changes in my face as I become happier.
Actually got hired to participate in a video blogging panel with other kick ass bloggers.
Was proud that I actually accepted the video blogging assignment given that #17 was so hard.
Realized that I accept myself as I am right now, this very second.
Realized that life doesn’t stop and wait for you to be the perfect weight. It just keeps going and can pass you by if you wait till things are perfect.
Began to “pray” about things in a nonreligious sort of way.
Started a new gratitude practice. Which by the way, THANK YOU FOR READING MY BLOG. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Started seeing exercise as a lifesaver instead of something just negative and awful.
Believes that I can fall in love for all the right reasons this time.
Believes that my dreams can actually come true.
Realizes that I am the one that I’ve been waiting for.
Every night for the past two weeks I’ve struggled with turning my brain off and falling asleep. I actually think I am having anxiety attacks. It feels as though someone is placing a pillow to my chest and then an anvil top of it, bouncing up and down until I sit up in my bed and gasp for air. I almost wish I had cable television again just so I can zone out on a “The Hills” marathon or something, rather than endure this kind of madness.
What’s got my knickers in a bunch? Just stuff that according to this guy, things I have no control over. I’m worried about the future. I’m worried about the economy. I’m worried about being able to pay the mortgage in February. I’m worried about achieving all that I set out to do. My anxiety is totally eclipsing my ability to enjoy this quiet holiday season and my respite from working. It’s an endless cycle where I go to sleep so late that I wake up wasted in the morning … all tired and groggy. I’m basically a hot mess.
Two nights ago in order to thwart my 2-3 hours of anxiety, I made a heavenly concoction of bourbon and eggnog. It was like drinking liquid candy. I’ve decided that for Christmas I want one of those beer hats with slots for cups and straws on both sides – substituting one side to have bourbon and eggnog and the other with bourbon and apple cider. Sadly, since I drank so little, I really was not able to knock myself out efficiently. I mean, this guy is WASTED and he is still DRIVING around:
(This was brought to my attention by fellow Seattleite, Mona, who writes the blog Kirida.)
Last night I tried listening to a guided meditation cd by Deepak Chopra. I actually did fall asleep rather quickly during the first several tracks, but I woke up during a meditation called “Banishing Disease” where Chopra forcefully says things like,”I banish disease from your sinews, you anus, your entrails” against a backdrop of music that sounds like it could be used to charm a cobra. Nobody wants to wake up like that.
Perhaps tonight I’ll try recording my own guided meditation cd. It’ll say stuff like, “you’re floating in a pool of Makers Mark and when you’re thirsty, you just turn your head to the side and just sip.”
“I tell you the story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people’s misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way.”
- An Mei, Joy Luck Club
Sometimes when I get smug and think that I have gone through some quantum leap in consciousness I get knocked back down again and am humbled by how childish I can act. Take Thanksgiving morning for instance. I was in the throws of getting ready to head out the door to spend the holidays at the beach when I realized that my shiny 3″ silver faux snakeskin peep-toe pumps were missing. This could only mean one of two things – either there is a shoe bandit roaming our neighborhood bypassing the Apple and Sony electronics for highly impractical (unless you want to get laid) shoes or Paige took them without asking. Suffice to say, it wasn’t a shoe bandit.
There are a lot of ways that I could psychoanalyze what ensued next but the simplest is to say that I snapped. I am not proud about it, but it’s the truth. After I realized Paige had snuck them out of the house so she could wear them to a party, I spewed some diatribe at her that went something like, “can’t I have ONE thing that’s just mine?” and “is nothing sacred?!?”and “you’ve already sucked the youth out of me, now you want my shoes???” Perhaps I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the point. I had a nuclear meltdown and everything within 3 miles was obliterated. In my own defense, Paige’s laissez-faire attitude, “So what?” and “I didn’t think you would care” and “you borrowed my mascara so I thought it would be okay” only served to fan the flames.
We can now laugh that I had a meltdown over a pair of shoes that cost less than $100, but those shoes mean something to me. They are the opposite of my Dansko clogs – instead they represent something completely impractical. I would even say that their sole purpose is to make me feel happy and sexy. Like a reminder to myself to have more fun and to not to take life so seriously and to feed the non-mommy parts of my soul. For years I loved my daughter more than anything, including me. This is definitely not what I want to be teaching her but I know that in some ways I have been … just like my step-mothers and Aunties did and as I am sure my mother did too. How many times have we put ourselves last? When will we get to the point where we realize when we do this in front of our daughters, we are perpetuating this mindset?
It’s taken 34 years of personal development to bypass the ingrained tendencies of growing up as an Asian woman or even more accurately, an Asian and a Woman. And even though having a meltdown about a pair of shoes is nothing to be proud about, I am proud of the fact that I am no longer pouring all my hopes and dreams into Paige and that I am giving relevance and importance to my own hopes and dreams.
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