“I tell you the story because I was raised the Chinese way. I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people’s misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way.”
- An Mei, Joy Luck Club
Sometimes when I get smug and think that I have gone through some quantum leap in consciousness I get knocked back down again and am humbled by how childish I can act. Take Thanksgiving morning for instance. I was in the throws of getting ready to head out the door to spend the holidays at the beach when I realized that my shiny 3″ silver faux snakeskin peep-toe pumps were missing. This could only mean one of two things – either there is a shoe bandit roaming our neighborhood bypassing the Apple and Sony electronics for highly impractical (unless you want to get laid) shoes or Paige took them without asking. Suffice to say, it wasn’t a shoe bandit.
There are a lot of ways that I could psychoanalyze what ensued next but the simplest is to say that I snapped. I am not proud about it, but it’s the truth. After I realized Paige had snuck them out of the house so she could wear them to a party, I spewed some diatribe at her that went something like, “can’t I have ONE thing that’s just mine?” and “is nothing sacred?!?”and “you’ve already sucked the youth out of me, now you want my shoes???” Perhaps I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the point. I had a nuclear meltdown and everything within 3 miles was obliterated. In my own defense, Paige’s laissez-faire attitude, “So what?” and “I didn’t think you would care” and “you borrowed my mascara so I thought it would be okay” only served to fan the flames.
We can now laugh that I had a meltdown over a pair of shoes that cost less than $100, but those shoes mean something to me. They are the opposite of my Dansko clogs – instead they represent something completely impractical. I would even say that their sole purpose is to make me feel happy and sexy. Like a reminder to myself to have more fun and to not to take life so seriously and to feed the non-mommy parts of my soul. For years I loved my daughter more than anything, including me. This is definitely not what I want to be teaching her but I know that in some ways I have been … just like my step-mothers and Aunties did and as I am sure my mother did too. How many times have we put ourselves last? When will we get to the point where we realize when we do this in front of our daughters, we are perpetuating this mindset?
It’s taken 34 years of personal development to bypass the ingrained tendencies of growing up as an Asian woman or even more accurately, an Asian and a Woman. And even though having a meltdown about a pair of shoes is nothing to be proud about, I am proud of the fact that I am no longer pouring all my hopes and dreams into Paige and that I am giving relevance and importance to my own hopes and dreams.
Okay, what I really wanted to say is “HOLY SHIT!” but BlogHerAds limits you from using profanity in the title of a blog post. And you know what? I totally respect that – but a big HOLY SHIT anyways.
Today I got an email from a person down in the Los Angeles area who thinks I am kinda funny and emailed me about participating in a blogger panel. (I would talk about it more, but I don’t want to jinx it.) Honestly, irregardless if it goes anywhere I feel sublimely grateful for the compliment. I’ve spent a whole lifetime being someone who is grossly self-defeating, so to accept a compliment is an unbelievably big step in my personal journey. Hopefully, you’ll hear more about this opportunity in the future and if you don’t, please send bottles of Makers Mark my way. Of course, you always have the option of sending over a bottle of MM anytime – no reason necessary.
I have a stack of essays to read as a judge for a middle school essay contest, so tonight I’ll leave you with this new song tormenting me (sent by Jen). It will burn your ears, make you want to do a shot of tequila and then bend over and say 10 Hail Mary’s:
I think it’s so brave when people live their lives out in the open – exposing all their goodness and messiness for everyone to see. It’s not that these people don’t care about what other people think … it’s just that they are propelled to do things despite what other people think. I used to think that I was like that in my 20s, but I now realize that it was just youthful exuberance and foolhardiness masked as confidence or assuredness. I’ve never been at this place before (that not giving a shit about what other people think place). It’s freeing. (more…)
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, BlueHost, Freshbooks and OpenSky may take you a purchase page of a company where I am a member of an affiliate program. As a result, I will often get a small percentage of the revenue or a commission off of something you have purchased. I am not otherwise paid to link to these sites, nor do I link to any products that I don't actually use or covet in real life. On the rare occasion I accept payment to review a product, it will be duly noted in its associated post.
