It’s precisely 10:24 pm on a Wednesday evening and I am pilfering through today’s top news stories which include:

1. Palin and her $150k new wardrobe.
2. Battle of the Robo-calls.
3. Most Californians oppose Gay marriage.

I’ve got to tell you that this election cycle is killing me.  Literally, it’s killing me.  Every time I hear that the polls are “within a margin of error” I want to eat 5 Big Macs so I can die sooner and be put out of my misery.  Really.  Some of my fellow Americans are threatening to leave Earth if a certain someone get’s elected.  Leave Earth … can we do that? Where do I reserve my seat? Should I pack for hot or cold weather?

God, there really aren’t enough antacids to help me through the next two weeks. I can’t take another article about Sarah Palin’s red shoes or how her flag pin is as large as a child’s fist.  Can’t you do something about this?  And please, with all due respect, I don’t need something like an economic crisis or a Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce to get my mind off of the election. Forget that. I know you think you’re doing us a favor by creating a diversion but what we really need is to stop feeling like we are on the verge of throwing up every time a new poll comes out.

I know, I am sounding a bit hysterical but I am starting to think Anderson Cooper and Chuck Todd are my best friends. Larry King is beginning to look like Mr. Burns and there is more and more speculation mounting about James Carville’s ethnicity. Things are getting so dismal around here that Jon Stewart has resorted to doing impressions of Tom Brokaw and Dan Rathers. Have we no shame?

Are you there God?  Are you listening?  Can you please make it Nov. 5th already? I’ve provided this video as tutorial on how you might go about altering time:

I know you are busy, but any attention to this matter would be greatly appreciated.  Both Joe the Plumber and Joe the Senator would be ecstatic about it. Not to mention my gastroenterologist, who would be thrilled to stop hearing from me.

God, when you really think about it, if we fast forwarded two weeks into the future we probably wouldn’t be missing out on too much.  Project Runway’s season finale is over, we are not in an American Idol cycle and the From G’s to Gents season restarts pretty much every two weeks anyway.  We can Tivo everything else.  Honest.

I’m just asking you to take it into consideration.

Thanks for listening,

Bacon

P.S.  And since I have your ear … can we put this whole gay marriage issue to bed?

“People are gonna be who they’re gonna be. And we need to learn to love them for who they are and let them love who they want to love.”  ~ E.D.

I’m not asking to take the guns away, I’m just asking you to give everyone equal opportunity to be miserable.