Every night for the past two weeks I’ve struggled with turning my brain off and falling asleep. I actually think I am having anxiety attacks. It feels as though someone is placing a pillow to my chest and then an anvil top of it, bouncing up and down until I sit up in my bed and gasp for air. I almost wish I had cable television again just so I can zone out on a “The Hills” marathon or something, rather than endure this kind of madness.
What’s got my knickers in a bunch? Just stuff that according to this guy, things I have no control over. I’m worried about the future. I’m worried about the economy. I’m worried about being able to pay the mortgage in February. I’m worried about achieving all that I set out to do. My anxiety is totally eclipsing my ability to enjoy this quiet holiday season and my respite from working. It’s an endless cycle where I go to sleep so late that I wake up wasted in the morning … all tired and groggy. I’m basically a hot mess.
Two nights ago in order to thwart my 2-3 hours of anxiety, I made a heavenly concoction of bourbon and eggnog. It was like drinking liquid candy. I’ve decided that for Christmas I want one of those beer hats with slots for cups and straws on both sides – substituting one side to have bourbon and eggnog and the other with bourbon and apple cider. Sadly, since I drank so little, I really was not able to knock myself out efficiently. I mean, this guy is WASTED and he is still DRIVING around:
(This was brought to my attention by fellow Seattleite, Mona, who writes the blog Kirida.)
Last night I tried listening to a guided meditation cd by Deepak Chopra. I actually did fall asleep rather quickly during the first several tracks, but I woke up during a meditation called “Banishing Disease” where Chopra forcefully says things like,”I banish disease from your sinews, you anus, your entrails” against a backdrop of music that sounds like it could be used to charm a cobra. Nobody wants to wake up like that.
Perhaps tonight I’ll try recording my own guided meditation cd. It’ll say stuff like, “you’re floating in a pool of Makers Mark and when you’re thirsty, you just turn your head to the side and just sip.”
I hate to say it, but I am a Britney Spears rubbernecker. I can’t help myself. Forget Christina. Forget P!nk. Nevermind Madonna even. Miss Britney’s popcandy is what keeps my legs moving at the gym and consequently I have developed an affection for her music and yes, for her too.
Now y’all may be laughing at me, but hear me out. Seriously. Britney Spears totally took one for the team. The mom team. Who hasn’t looked at their sweet child and then had thoughts of running off, doing drugs and shaving their head? Who hasn’t fallen for the wrong guy and then paid the consequences for it? You can’t tell me that you’ve NEVER worn an outfit that was completely unflattering (if you contest this one, you must not have lived during the 80′s).
I just think that it’s easy to judge. I know that I have been this close saying damnitall and instead of going grocery shopping, I have fantasized about going on a bourbon binge and having gratuitous sex with young bartender(s) who smoke cigarettes and have tattoos on their arms … in Brazil. The only thing different is that Britney just acts out all those impulses (and that she is an international pop starlet who could roll in money all day if she wanted to).
There was a time in my life when I was single and drinking up a huge storm every time Paige went to her father’s house. I felt as though that during this respite I could have some semblance of a “normal” 20-something life for a day or two a week. Except it wasn’t normal to drink that much. In fact, my friends had to have a firm but gentle intervention that basically went something along the lines of, “Baby, that ain’t flattering.”
Nowadays I’ve shifted to the otherside of the paradigm. I don’t think I drink enough. Correction, I am not carefree enough (carefree has traditionally been massaged out of me with a little bourbon neat). As you all know I am working on those changes but feel the need to take massive action. I think I need to launch a comeback.
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