A Subject Of Great Consternation

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

Just recently, Paige’s father has expressed the desire to play a greater role in her life (again). And has taken action towards making that happen (again). I wish I could be thrilled, but when it comes to the subject of my daughter’s tender heart, I turn into a mother bear who will take down anyone who tries to hurt her. Over the years, I have taught myself to refrain from being outright hostile towards him. And it’s really hard most of the time.

You see, the last 14, almost 15 years of co-parenting with Paige’s father has worn me down. Co-parenting is a generous word. He and I were only together through her first year and a half of life and honestly, it was mostly because I promised my unborn little girl that I would try, just try and make it work with him before I threw in the towel. I’ve never had any regrets about leaving when I did.

The few years after Paige was born were, for the most part, stable. Her father got married and had another daughter, Katarina, and all of us were civil and somewhat supportive of one another. Things started to fall apart when Paige entered into kindergarten. It became apparent that she was suffering from being schlepped back and forth each week under our old schedule. She was having difficulty adjusting to – my rules, his rules and school rules.

And then all hell broke loose when her father decided to “keep” her for longer than we had agreed. He was still spending time with her – “what was my problem?” I felt vulnerable. I was without legal recourse since neither of us had legal custody. I decided to file and a heated battle ensued.

There is a reason why people call it a custody “battle.” It really is a battle and you are really willing to go to the mat for what you believe is right. At the time I was in my mid-20s. I thought I was “right” about everything. Nowadays, I am not so absolute. I definitely would have gone about things differently in hindsight. All I can say was that it was ugly and oh was there mudslinging – but mostly from the other side of the camp. I gained 25 pounds from all of the emotional eating.

Soon after being granted “primary” custody, we tried to move on and be civil. But then he and his wife got a divorce and things fell apart quickly. He was a complete mess, an alcoholic musician who couldn’t keep it together. During weekends with Paige, he would make her spend hours upon hours in a bar/restaurant where he would play pool with this friends and she would patiently wait. There was nothing I could do. I tried. After several months of this, I pulled the big guns and threatened to go to court again. He agreed to take a break from seeing her so he could pull things together. That was the beginning of his spotty involvement in her life.

Since then, he has ebbed and flowed in and out our lives based on where he is in his life and whether or not he is actively working on his demons. Last summer came to a head when his longtime girlfriend left him. I had never seen him in such terrible shape. He was in the grips of severe depression and went missing for some time. We feared the worst. When he reappeared, he went into a treatment facility. We hadn’t heard much from him, though we knew that he was alive and trying to sort things out.

12 months later, he is living in Seattle and wants to reestablish a relationship with Paige. In the past 12 months, not once did he attempt to see Paige even though we live 5 miles away from each other. At first, I thought it was because he thought it was best to stay away. But since then, we have learned that has been to visit her sister 4 times.  She lives 450 miles away. How could that not hurt a kid? It makes my blood boil.

I have watched Paige, open her heart to her father so many times, only to be disappointed. It is a subject of great consternation for me. I get so emotional and angry and edgy each time it happens. But Paige? She forgives. Her heart is open. She has no expectations about how things should be between a daughter and father (she’s past that now), she just figures that she would rather have him in her life than not. She accepts things the way that they are and is willing to take the risk. Her love in unconditional and a source of great inspiration to me.

*****

The above photo was taken, by me on Paige’s 8th Grade graduation. On the day of the graduation, Paige’s father call her and told her that he would not be able to attend unless I gave him a ride. He didn’t call me, he called her. She of course, frantically phoned to tell me that I absolutely needed to give him a ride. I cannot tell you how pissed off I was. Seriously -

1. WTF  him calling her?!?!
2. Why can’t he find a ride from someone else? I mean, seriously? Call a cab. Ride the bus. FIGURE IT OUT.
3. I cannot think of anything worse than being stuck in the car with him on a long round-trip commute.
4. How did the day became about him and not about a mother and daughter celebrating making it through 9 years of school together? To me, him being there was like showing up for the trophy but never even participating in the race.

But this is not about me. Most things about being a parent are not about “me.” They are about her. Through gritted teeth, I gave him a ride. And I did it for her.

Tags: paige, the father
Posted in Daily, Parenting | 24 Comments »