Back in the old days, I might have gotten righteously indignant about this. And then I would have cried.

However, in the new Obama “era of responsibility” I would like to say that I take full responsibility for my issues with weight. And believe me, I am sooooo working on it. Just ask the person that was next to me at the gym this morning. I completely looked like arms were going to pop off from the flailing motions that I was making while trying to keep balanced on the elliptical trainer.

I have to admit though, a little part of me wants to react a bit like Tina Fey did in her Golden Globes speech:

And so I will.

Bobby1010, YOU CAN SUCK IT.

So today Rene and I had lunch at a place called Pig Iron BBQ. It was grub. Sure they have BBQ dishes. Yet even better than their BBQ are the really fantastic side dishes like collard greens and creamed corn and potato salad and sweet potato french fries and corn bread dressing. The sides are so good that they have an entree that consists of a selection of four of them. I am giddy just talking about it.

Sadly, this is a perfect example of the past 14 days of holiday and snowmaggedon binge eating. I just completely lost all sanity when it started snowing and didn’t stop for days and days and days. This meant I was staying at home all day baking (why did I get rid of cable?) and not going to the gym. It’s a slippery slope and suffice to say, I am off the tracks and back at 188 lbs again. Ugh.

A year ago I would have really starting beating myself up over having a setback like this, but nowadays I am just looking at this as a minor slip up. Not the end of the world, but something to be mindful about. There are wonderful things happening despite what the number is on that scale. I am in love with the life that I am making for myself and I’m not gonna let a “slip up” stop the progress.

And that’s what’s different about me in 2008.

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work…When I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created kind of protects me and who I really am. Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”

She then goes on to say:

“I have out-of-body experiences. If I cut my leg, if I fall, I don’t even feel it. I’m so fearless, I’m not aware of my face or my body.”

I think I laughed out loud when I read this. She totally sounds like someone who completely lost perspective or as BB would put it, “She gone lost her mind.” But then again, if I was rolling around in millions of dollars I might come up with alternative personality just so I could justify a whole separate wardrobe – “Uh, I’m not getting this for myself, I’m getting this for Sasha.”

Regardless of how nutty it sounds, it got me thinking about alter egos and whether or not everyone else has one too. Personally, I don’t think I have the time to nurture a second personality. I have issues with the first one, thank you very much. Plus, I also have that voice in my head (the negative voice) to contend with all of the time and sometimes that is almost like an alter ego.

Take yesterday for instance, I shot some footage for Momversation and felt completely self-defeated by the end of it. The “animated” Giyen looks way strange in comparison to the “still photo” Giyen. For someone who is just getting used to taking photos of herself, shooting video footage is absolutely dreadful. You can’t imagine what a “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” I had beating myself up about being overweight or not feeling very clever. It’s mentally exhausting to feel that way, I seriously wanted to drown myself in a nice big mug of Maker’s Mark and hot apple cider. And then chase it down with some Reddi-Wip straight from the canister (Don’t judge, you’ve done this too).

Since I was teetering on the edge of the self-destructive spiral downward, I decided to distract myself by catching up on some blog reading and internet surfing. Two things saved the day:

First, Good Morning America did a piece on Oprah’s January 2009 cover of O Magazine. Apparently, Oprah opens up about her recent weight gain in a frank essay you can find here. I know, I know there are a lot of Oprah lovers and haters (just read the comments in the GMA piece). Whatever. For someone who just shot some home video of herself feeling not so hot, knowing that Oprah gets out there and does it 100s of times a year put things into a bit of perspective for little ol’ me. Of course, she gets compensated by the billions and I scrap up enough for the said bottle of Maker’s Mark. But then again, Oprah could just as easily retire and say a big f@ck you to us all. It takes some chutzpah to keep going when you’ve got weight issues chipping away at your self-esteem.

Second, I read this post by Roni regarding her “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” and thought to myself – here’s a lovely person who has won the battle with weight and even she has days that suck ass. Things don’t magically get perfect once you’ve lost the weight. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEBODY SKINNIER THAN YOU. And that’s okay, you laugh and move-on.

Sometimes I just get so self-absorbed in my own misery that I just plain forget that one bad day out of a series of great days is just ONE bad day. Perhaps I will get to the point where I have out-of-body experiences and I’m no longer aware of my face or my body. But I doubt it.

Me: It’s good for you.

Thighs: You’re totally bullshitting me.

Me: C’mon, it’s not so bad. Really, you knew it was coming. You’ve been in a rut.

Thighs: You’re telling me I’m in a rut? I’m doing just fine. At least I’ve grown over the years.

Me: I’m quite aware of the fact that you’ve grown. It’s not quite the growth that I was hoping for.

Thighs: I hope you know what you’re doing. I’m not giving it up that easily.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Several years back I went to a Chinese acupuncturist in the University District who was a 6th Generation Doctor of Oriental Medicine from Beijing. When he was a child his parents sent him to a Buddhist monastery where he studied medicine just like his father and his father’s father and his father’s father’s father and so on and so forth etc. etc. etc. This man had the smoothest skin you could ever imagine beholding. In fact you could almost get hypnotized staring at his poreless porcelain visage. That is, if were not for the fact that it takes your full concentration to decipher what he was trying to say. And I am a seasoned when it comes to understanding what Asian people are trying to say in English – I could hardly understand him.

When I first went to go see him he looked at my tongue, checked my pulse and read my palm. He then looked at me and said, “You have lots of emotional stress.” No shit, I didn’t need to pay anyone $110 to tell me that. Then he said, “Too much belly fat. Lose weight. ” Again, did I pay for this? Thinking back, that juncture I wanted out of my relationship so badly that I just ate and ate and ate my way through the stress. I didn’t need acupuncture, I need a new life. I started out at 148 lbs back in 2001 and after the implosion of my relationship, a job implosion, depression and a mid-thirties crisis, I’ve gained 40 whopping pounds. You do the math.

Suffice to say, I have reached the limits of ‘emotional stress’ and ‘belly fat’ and am now working achieving a better life balance. I am on the path to being the happiest that I have ever been, yet I am the unhealthiest that I have ever been. If you were wondering how this feels – it totally sucks ass. It’s like being in an ill-fitting outfit. Like all of the time.

So I am, as with many aspects of my life, making decisions and taking massive action.  Getting in shape is just another one of those things that is so important for me to accomplish once and for all. As much as I like to think that my weight issues don’t bother me, it totally does. I am sooooo over it.

In honor of my commitment (and to get over my fear of the camera) I am going to take daily self-portraits so I can document the changes in my face leading up to the Jingle Bell 5k. I got the idea from this blog that I am addicted to. Sharyn is doing a series of self-portraits called 365 days + 1.

Her photos are much more clever and creative than mine will be.